disorganized attachment style - my life story 💀

Helu zestiess 🍋

I hope all of you are well~

Things are about to get personal and kinda triggering but... I took up alot of courage to write about this (please be kind) because I'm over it and kINDA grew from it, but also I know this will help anyone that's struggling with themselves, life and relationships.

THIS ENDED UP BEING SUPER LOng and I'm sorry I got carried away.. but I hope this speaks to someone out there and I hope it brings you the courage to change your life if you are going through anything similar//press on with your hardships.

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Disorganized Attachment Style ☠️

• Wanting to be extremely close or extremely distant from others.

• Difficulty being vulnerable with others.

• Anxiety when others want to be close to you.

• Challenges with emotional regulation

• Low self-esteem

• Fear of being abandoned

• Inconsistent in your relationships with others.

• Depression

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This is my 18yo self's POV and how I felt 🙃

I want to connect with others but because of my past experiences with people (growing up) I'm distrustful of people, sometimes I end up hurting them because I just craved the attention I got but I never truly liked them or wanted to be around them. I also just did not recognised what was supposedly healthy or safe.

I didn't know who I was, I was extremely insecure with low self-esteem and did not know what value I could add to other peoples life, I thought I only mattered if I could be of service or by doing something.

So its like I wanted to be around people for their energy and validation, but it doesn't feel right, because inside I'm empty, I'm hollow, I'm alone, Idk who I am and what made me happy.

It was also difficult being vulnerable, learning how to express my needs and being genuine, because I did not know how to process difficult emotions, I did not know what was out of the ordinary and what I needed to heal from. I also didn't want to tell others what I was going through, sooo I couldn't ask for help.

It was frustrating and super contradictory hahah.. just a rollercoaster of fked up and toxicity in general.

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Sooo here's what happened... a snippet of my biggest life changing moments

💔 TW / Truama dumping ALERT 💔

TDLR I had parents that acted like kids, they fought everytime they met. My dad cheated on my mum and my mum was emotionally a child. She could not regulate her own feelings and would yell and explode about the smallest things.

Soo without a dad I never knew what it meant to feel safe in a guy's presence, I never knew that a girl needs to set standards and boundaries against men that tries too hard or has bad intentions.

As I grew up from an awkward girl to a decent looking human, male attention was new to deal with, the changes were abrupt and I revel in that attention.

My first ex(at 15) was the only one to teach me anything about relationships, communication and expressing myself. I still appreciate him for teaching me that. Because growing up I have never felt loved or appreciated, I just always felt like a burden to my parents.

But life has its way of... forcing you to grow even more.

When I was 16, my mum got into a gambling addiction and its just bad. She fell into depression because of all the debts she got herself into, tried ending herself anddd expected me to save her from all that. Which I did kinda, I had to call the police because she attmpted sui*** and its just so bad that I had to get her into IMH.

She also took a lot of my part-time money so I was basically broke while she was in IMH. I just continued working part-time right after o-levels and ate a $2 curry puff everyday and thats it, while going to see her after work. Yea all those happened during o-levels and after, I'm glad I EAE-ed and didn't fry my exams, did pretty well actually.

Now you may be wondering what about my mum's siblings or relatives, my younger aunt did help abit monetarily but even then they were always a super seperated family and, like I said I always felt like a burden so I did not want to trouble any of them even more. We were never close, and they also sometimes had an elitism mindset so I did not like hanging around them at all...

I did not know where to seek help at that point tbh I was in-between growing into an adult and not yet there.

Soo eventually she got out after 3 months, she took a break from work and I just became her pillar of support hoping she would not end herself. Brought her out and listening to all her demands. Poly also started during this time.

But when I turned 18 I was super frustrated, it felt like she abandoned me and she still wanted to control me like I was still 12. No going out late, no hanging out with friends etc.

I ended things around this time with my first ex too, because he was getting controlling as well - being overly concerned about the new friends I was making in poly and not caring about how much sh*t I was going through at home. So I broke it off with him too.

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AND thats when all hell broke lose, the above(top paragraph) ensued I started using dating apps, I lost my old self, I honestly was prob depressed at one point and did not care about anything. I just wanted to feel something again, it was also a self exploration journey I guess, I just cared about meeting people and having fun.

EVENTUALLy I actually found someone that I really liked,

My most memorable situationship and he broke me but also forced me to look internally what has to change and think about what do I actually want out of my life, he taught me to be independent and to embrace who I am growing into, he also reminded alll the good parts of myself that I have in me, even though he did not want a future with me. When I had such a crazy connection with him, superficial connections just didn't mean anything to me anymore, he made me feel like I'm still able to genuinely like someone.

Eventually we ended things because things got toxic and I grduated from poly.

I found a job, things became more stable, I found what I was good at annd I'm so glad my lecturer of that time adopted me into his company. I found my value, and enjoyed doing design, art, and having somewhere to express myself. My voice was important and I was doing prettty well in my career. I mattered and I can make a change in my own little life that may have started off bad but it could get better. And I also needed to change my mindset and toxic patterns first.

After I left the situationship, I took a break from dating for a year and just read all about psychology, therapy, attachment styles, human behaviour, trauma and more, I learnt how to enjoy being alone and going on dates alone.

I also slowly learnt to let go of the resentments I had towards my parents.

To heal... you gotta learn how to let go and make space for the better things that will come into your life.

My mum was always victimizing herself because of her past shitty experiences with my dad, and I swore to never be like her because that shit eats away at your potential and who you really are / meant to grow into.

When you live in the past you don't have enough space to let new energy in and grow into whoever you want to be... She let that affect her for the past 30 years and instead of taking charge of her own life she just blamed it on everyone else.

Oh I also learnt to not give too much shit about what people say or thought because.. they haven't experienced the things you have experienced, they have no rights to say anything about you and basically, don't take anything personal if they don't know you personally alright. Treat it as a learning experience, it may be things you have to work on or even things they themselves have to work on. We are not born on this earth to do things perfectly.

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So yea that's my life story, I'm quite happy with how far I have come and there were so many times where I just wanted to give up tbh. I'm glad I didn't, I also believe that I will be losing all my fated connections if I just x.x so thats not worth it.

Travelling and my cat makes me feel so happy rn and I get to treat myself to whatever food I wannna eat and any place I would like to try.

Altho dating has been kinda hard cus no one could match this level of emotional deepness/intensity with themselves, I think its alright since I'm alone so much of my life anyway, the riGht one will come and I willl wait for him ig. If not, living with 4 cats seems pretty good too.

To ANYONe thats young and feeling trapped, I hope you know that it will get better, do well in your studies or find something you are really good at, it will be your ticket out (ps. its okay to take loans if its for your future, I funded all my studies myself, but it will take alot of resillilence ofc)

Detach + practice discernment from everything and everyone, set a goal and work towards it, work on yourself internally too, sit with the pain and make it into your strength ~

Remember we are all just stardust~ You can make a change in your life. Oh n always be kind you never know what someone else is going through.

💔☀️✨️

#relationship #RealTalk #lifestory #deeptalk #attachmentstyles