a brutally honest opinion about not having kids 🚫

as a couple who got married on their 8th year of being together, we had to ensure that we’re on the same page about kids when things got serious. the most common recurrence was that every single time we come close to perhaps even CONSIDERING kids, we immediately come back to our “no kids” resolution because we see an uncontrollable kid and/ or not-so-ideal parents and/or the realities of being a parent in public 🥶

disclaimer:

we respect and give props to all parents as we know it’s really tough, and we will never comment on anyone’s parenting style simply because we are not parents and have never gone through the experience and hence will never truly know the difficulties.

everything stated below will be 🚨brutally honest🚨 and my unfiltered, potentially perceived as pessimistic by some, thoughts.

so here’s our take on why we are most likely not having kids (until we reach some sort of nirvana):

1. WE ARE NOT READY TO GIVE UP OUR LIVES

currently, our dual income is good enough to provide the lifestyle we want, which is a financially comfortable life in which we are the focus. yes, some may call this lifestyle selfish, but we’re doing us (like why is there a need to contribute to the population?).

once we have a child, this child becomes a financial “burden” that carries on for the next 20-40 years (like just imagine if the child is dependent on you forever; i’ve seen this in abled people).

right now, we can go on nicer holidays, invest, treat ourselves occasionally, but this would all disappear once a child is in the picture. perhaps this mindset is also because of my lower middle income background, as i’ve seen my parents struggle financially because of my education and how much they strive to give me their best by sacrificing themselves (of course i’m eternally grateful). but that’s not the life we want :’)

2. WE ARE NOT SUITED TO BE PARENTS

as you can tell from me terming kids as a potential “financial burden”, my mindset is nowhere ready to be a parent.

my expectations of “parents” is that they wholeheartedly provide. the moment the child can feel that they are causing a financial strain on the family, it will cause some psychological stress in them (seen it in my friends) that lead on in adulthood.

generally, our mindset is definitely more individualistic because of both our upbringing, and there have been many moments where we catch ourselves with thoughts that show that we are definitely not ready to be parents.

3. WE ARE NOT CONFIDENT TO BE GOOD PARENTS

i know there’s no perfect parent. perhaps you can say this an extremely negative pov, but i resonate very strongly with “this be the verse”, a poem by Philip Larkins. (recommend anyone interested in literature to have a look!)

in essence, the poem talks about how you pass on your own flaws and negative traits to your children, whether you like it or not, just like how your parents have done so to you, and in turn, their own parents too. and the cycle continues.

i know the first step is always is always to be self-aware, but i’d rather be safe than sorry. who is to say i won’t be a good parent, and likewise, who is to say i WILL be a good parent?

all children NEVER asked to be born, and if i can’t give them a 100%, i don’t think i would want my children to suffer.

my mindset is that if i have children, i WANT to be a good parent who can provide with no emotional baggage, with financial freedom, and with clear-minded guidance. but if i can’t, i really don’t foresee my children growing up with the best of everything.

4. WE GENERALLY DON’T LIKE CHILDREN

i think this is as simple as it spells out 😅 it’s quite rare for me to find children adorable, or even want to interact with them. the only exceptions would be my cousin-in-law’s 3 children who are the most mild-mannered, responsible and sweetest kids i’ve seen and my cousin’s upcoming little boy!

(i’m confident to be a cool aunt, not parent 🤝🏻)

we just lack any sort of parental instincts at this point in our lives 🥶

5. IDENTITY ISSUES

i’ve been thinking about this so much, and this is more so for the woman:

as a woman with child, this would be the priority of my identity:

first - mother

second - wife

third & fourth - daughter-in-law / daughter

fifth - me

i’ll be last??? i don’t know when i’ll ever be ready for this, and ready to let this be my everyday reality.

i know there’ll be some women who may argue that they still have time for themselves and it’s all about balance and time management, but as a third-party, that’s not what i’m seeing unless i choose to sacrifice my time with my children (in the case of some career women), and then that will bring me back to points 2 & 3.

6. UNCERTAINTY OF NATURE VS NURTURE

over the years, we all know there’s something called nature vs nurture. and there is a limit to what “nurturing” can do for a child.

we have so many ‘what-if’s, the list is endless 🥹

7. CHILDREN ARE NOT INVESTMENTS

in an asian society, so many parents and people see children as investments for the future. whether it’s emotional investment, financial investment, etc, it just doesn’t sit right with us.

again, children never ask to be brought into this world, and as the parent, you’re supposed to be wholeheartedly providing everything without asking for anything in return (IMO)!

their educational or career success, should not be seen as the parents’ achievement in life, because they are not products with ROI. children should not be seen as an extension of any parents’ life success. only then will this sandwich generation be relieved of its disdain and pain.

while i am aware of this, i can’t promise or guarantee my mindset will not shift as a parent down the road. and i never want to be that person who sees my children as a trophy when they achieve greatness, and then sees them as a failure when they do the opposite.

i should only be a parent when and if i can be someone who’s beyond that generational trauma and mindset. for now, i have no confidence.

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these are most of my thoughts at the moment! and for those who are planning to let me know that having children is a whole new world of joy i’ve never experienced before, you’re right – i have never experienced it, so i won’t physically know what i’m missing out, and hence won’t feel that i’m lacking it 😅

do yall or do yall not plan to have kids? feel free to (nicely) change my mind or discuss below! happy to hear other DINKs’, parents’ and potential parents’ mindsets! ✨

#BeReal #RealTalk #parenting #dinks #family #Adulting101 #AskLemon8 #Couple #newlyweds