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I feel Lemon 8 is a space where I feel more safe to be vulnerable, authentic and share what’s ACTUALLY on my mind. So here I go.
No one anticipates getting pregnant at the worst time in their life.
I just graduated college, and I just moved into our first place together with my boyfriend. I didn’t have a job. I was escaping and procrastinating, ignoring my health and quite frankly still playing around too much.
When I found out I was pregnant to say I was devastated is an understatement.
I started questioning my relationship because we’re not married and I hadn’t contemplated head on the fact we will be bound to each other forever after this. Could my relationship handle this challenge?
I scheduled 3 appointments in 3 different states within the hour of finding out. I found our right in the peak of the over turn of roe v wade and I live in texas.
No matter how much I wanted to go through with that choice, I just couldn’t. Something in me felt it was wrong (not morally speaking, but wrong for my path and my journey specially.)
I became angry with myself, resentful and depressed. Jealous of everyone else continuing to live the life i wish I was.
For the majority of my pregnancy I battled depression, anxiety and periods of suicidal thoughts. I hated my changing body, and I hated myself.
As time went on something in me began to shift, and I was able to find peace with accepting my decision but no where near excitement — just contentment.
People saw me and told me i’ve had an amazing pregnancy or “I wish I looked that good pregnant” friends family and many strangers. This isn’t to brag but to show how blind I was to this. I never saw what they said as truth, I only saw how angry I was to be pregnant at all.
now—I cry that I ever didn’t want him. I cry at the thought if i even for a second made him feel unwanted. I cry when I see others losing their babies to miscarriages or complications and I think of how selfish it was for me to have healthy life I thought I didn’t want.
This is not to say abortion is wrong, I am still very much so pro choice. This is to share that, i felt terrified, and devastated. I felt i ruined my life, and here i am having picked up the pieces and adapted. You will be surprised how much you grow in such a short amount of time becoming a mom. I never wanted kids, and now having one I didn’t know what I was missing 🤍
#newmom #vulnerablediaries #abortion #motherhoodjourney #personalgrowth