I almost broke No Contact with my mom…

I almost texted my mom today…

It’s been about two years since I last spoke to my mother. We never had an easy relationship and I was done seeing my kids being used as a prop for post and FaceTime when family would go visit her, but I can’t remember the last time she sent a Christmas present/ Birthday gift. And the last FaceTime that I let her come threw was when her aunt went to visit and she called out of the blue. That Christmas the only reason I let a FaceTime call go threw was because I missed my uncle and wanted to just talk to him. (I’m crying as I write this because it still really hurts not speaking with him either but that’s my own fault.

My teenage years weren’t very easy and I was such a chaotic mess. I would do things just to feel something, anything really because my mom could care less. The difference between her and I is that I want to be in my kids life and she couldn’t have cared less about me. My step dad was the one who actually gave a crap. She would blow me off and blame her depression or whatever hobby or diagnoses she was dealing with. All I wanted was a mom. My kid wants nothing to do with me. Says everything I say is cringe and I know I shouldn’t take it to heart but the way she just talks to me with disrespect is too much for me. I would have been smacked to next Sunday had I said anything she says to me but I always want her feelings to be valid but at this point she is just mean to be mean. I want so badly to stay nice and calm but I can only take so much along with postpartum so I left her at her dads today.

Which brings me to where I almost broke no contact. I was driving home thinking was I really this bad? I don’t think I ever made my mom feel the way she has made me and I wanted to apologize if I had…. But then I remembered that’s not going to fix it. I have already honestly apologized for this a million times before my child was a pre teen. So what would make THIS one different?…. It wouldn’t. She made her peace along time ago. She has never wanted to be around so I’m not going to beg for her to be around again. My life is fulfilling with my kids and cats I’m allowed to have my moments. People don’t change unless they want to and she obviously does not because I have had a whole baby and she never once reached out and I’m fine with that because I know she isn’t worth me wasting the energy.

if you’re no contact with a family member, I know it’s hard but it’s for the best. 🧡#lemon8diary #storytime #nocontact #vulnerablediaries

#preteenmom #teengirlmom