Dealing with Grief

TW: talk of depression and death

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On May 20, 2024, I lost my Grandma to an unexpected brain aneurysm. She was the epitome of good health, especially at the age of 81. Her passing was totally unexpected and shook me to my core. She raised me from the time I was 6 weeks old and we did absolutely everything together. She was like my mom and was my best friend, mentor, and a rock I could always count on for guidance, advice, or support. Without her, my days have been filled with darkness and my heart a seeming black hole. I ache to hug her again and hear her call me her “baby girl.” Her death sent me into a complete spiral of depression, which I am still treading through day by day.

One thing media won’t tell you is that grief is weird. It’s individualized, and for me, comes in huge tidal waves. At first, I was completely lost in the world and unable to function. Some days now, 3 months later, I can function and other days I’m left rotting in my bed reminiscing about our times together. On those days, I wonder about the what could have been. I think about her at my college graduation, my wedding, and meeting my future kids, her great grandkids. I think about taking her on vacation to Florida for the beach or to Kentucky to see her family. But unfortunately, life had other plans. I don’t understand why, I don’t think I ever will, but I know she’s still here with me. I see and hear signs from her daily. Her alarm clock will randomly go off if I’m crying about her, I hear her shuffle throughout the house some nights, and when I ask for a sign from her, she never fails to provide one.

Yesterday evening, my Nanny passed away. She had alzheimer’s and while her death was expected, it brought up feelings of grief all over again along with memories of her and my Grandma both. I feel guilty because my Nanny and I weren’t the closest, but I loved her regardless. We spent every Sunday at her house catching up and gossiping about whatever was going on. She loved having family over for holidays and cooked the most delicious food.

Grief has changed me, whether for the best or worst, it has. I try my best to stay upbeat, but sometimes life gets in the way and my feelings become too much. As time has passed, I’ve tried to keep my mind busy. Self care, baking, and gaming have been my go to outlets. With the recent death of my Nanny, I hope to better navigate grief this time around, although I am human and may fall short. I know there’s not a way to “correctly” grieve, but for my mental sake I hope I’m able to nourish my mind and body in healthier ways this time instead of neglect my health as I did in May.

I pray my Nanny, and Grandma, are in peace and watching me and my family from above. 👵🏼💜🕊️

#embracevulnerability #mentalhealth #grief #Lemon8Diary