Here Goes my FIRST post and it’s DEEP! 😔🙃🥸

I don’t know where to start….

But I guess introducing myself. My name is Sapphire. Yes, that’s my government name and no I’m not a stripper! 🤪 I’m 28 and I don’t know who I am or how to identify myself.

My mummy is from Jamaica and my father is from Italy. I have two brothers and one adopted sister and we all have different dads. Growing up, I was always the lightest one in my family. Sort of like the black sheep (how ironic) and I envied my friends/ family with the beautiful melanin. I went to a Caribbean private school for most of my life. I never saw color as an issue nor were some girls preferred over others based on skin tone. Everyone got the same licks and scolding. My mum would send me to mainly white summer camps and the kids would ask if I’m adopted because my mum is a deep rich melanated woman. I would visit JA and remember feeling different until I went to the nicer parts of JA and saw Chinese and White Jamaicans. I always considered myself Jamaican because that’s all I grew up around for majority of my life.

On to a public high school, is where I discovered the worst parts. I discovered what a red bone and yellow bone is, as I was catcalled on the regular by those labels. African American boys would ask me derogatory questions because of associated assumptions towards different skin tones. “Light skin girls give good head” “dark skins have the wettest pussy”…these are actual things I heard. I experienced being specialized, taunted, lied on and it was a culture shock. I became so accustomed as my cousins were growing up as well within the public system and eventually it seeped it’s way into my family. The girls who were melanated more than myself, looked familiar to who I grew up with, however they were the meanest ones to me. Bullied me, spread rumors, and I felt isolated. I never experienced this before and I didn’t understand it. I didn’t know I had privilege. I didn’t know about preferences.

People told me I’m not black. I was told my hair was nappy by these same girls. Although I did go to school with my hair looking crazy. My mum told me to ignore them. She also told me that Jamaicans come in every color and some are Chinese, Indian, German, Hispanic, and even White. But what does that mean? Am I not black but Caribbean? Am I biracial? Am I whatever my father is? Am I whatever culture I was engulfed in? Am I a light skin redbone with curly hair that gives good head?

I’ve been so traumatized from my high school experience, that when I go to African American spaces I get nervous. Will I be accepted? I go to white spaces and feel the same way. But I go to Caribbean spaces and feel so at home and at peace. Still, I see these discussions on black content creators and voices stating mixed and biracial individuals are not black and I feel hurt. I’ve never really been accepted by the white or black communities, so what should I do? What advice would you all give me??? #caribbeangirl #discourse #adviceisneeded #GirlTalk #helpme #firstpost