GRIEF.

This will be my most personal & vulnerable post on here. I mostly wanted to post this because I woke up today thinking about my baby brother with such a heavy heart.

This is the thing with grief. You never move on from it. As days go by, you learn to move with it. Grief has no time limit.

There are days I just need to pause and stay still even though the world goes on. I take a minute for myself to deal with this pain.

I make progress on some days, but then there’s that day something triggers me & I’m taking 10 steps back. My anxiety attacks have become so bad, they will last a few days even a week & it’s exhausting in every aspect. I hated anxiety until I started to look at it as a friend (I know, that’s weird) A friend who is trying to tell you something is wrong when you keep ignoring it. I would ignore it all the time but overtime it started to really affect me. I felt like I was going to die, my body would start to shake uncontrollably and I would start to cry and wouldn’t not how to make it stop. Once I’m aware of the physical symptoms, I couldn’t stop it. And there were nights I would just try to go to sleep & act like it wasn’t there & I think that was the problem. I wasn’t allowing myself to feel too much because I was scared what would happen if I do, but sometimes you need to personally let yourself experience them. I carried my emotions in a bottle for all my life because I thought it made me strong. Truth is, over time that bottle could only hold so much and then it exploded. And that is when I took that step to take therapy. I’ve started about a month ago and I have enjoyed my sessions, it makes me open my eyes to a lot and see things from new lenses.

Anxiety is just another weird thing that all of us deal with differently as well. It looks different to everyone the same way grief looks different to everyone. It is not an easy thing, I think it is the worst thing we go through in this human experience. But I’m learning to be gentle on myself. I try not to focus on what I could’ve done differently, because it won’t help bring my brother back nor will I find any peace. People always say, cherish your loved ones. Hug them. Tell them you love them and I would always say, well of course you should always do that. And sometimes, I wouldn’t do it myself. Life gets so busy. I had to juggle school and work and everything else & sometimes I would be so tired and angry that I would tell my brother we can do something another day. Because I would think, we have plenty of time. We have the rest of our lives. I’d tell myself I have time to spend with my brother because in my mind I didn’t think anything would happen. I never thought that someone would take my brother away from me & my family like that, so sudden & without warning. I never thought it would happen to me, & I believe many of us think the same until it does happen to us. Someone loses their somebody everyday. Which is why, even though I am hurting immensely in the inside, wishing I could hear my brother’s voice or get a message off my moms phone to buy him snacks & I knew it was him pretending to be her, even though my heart is so heavy when I think about him & I’m not up to being strong because all I want to do is shut down & not talk, I remind myself to be gentle with those around me & not project my emotions on them. It is an unfair thing to do. I did it in the beginning because I was hurting so much but I realized how horrible it was.

Everyone is going through something. Everyone of us is dealing with our issues, whatever it may be, the best that we can. Many of us are hurting but putting a smile on our faces anyways. Everyone is trying to learn how to live this life without someone, to heal and find peace when it feels like we will never get it.

It is such a process. This whole grief and healing process. And there is a reason it is called a process. It looks different for everyone, we process things differently, we hurt differently and we heal differently.

What works for me, may not work for the next person. But I like to let people know, they are not alone. And to reach out to those you love, because they do want to be there for you. I struggle to call my friends or tell my mom I’m very emotional or talk to my sister when I’m missing my brother so much but I’m doing my best to talk to them and not let myself deal with this alone, because I’m not alone. I am a person who sometimes needs to be alone to grieve and process things. But I tell myself not to shut them out, especially my sister who is my only sibling I have left and my mother who is the strongest woman I know, and she also is holding herself together for me & my sister after losing her only son. I have to remind myself that my sister also lost her baby brother. My mother lost her child. I can’t be selfish & shut them out, because they need & I know I need them.

So, reach out to the ones you love. Give therapy a try! I said I would never do it until I had to experience this trauma. Journal. Write letters to yourself, to the person you are grieving, just write. Personally, it helps me a lot to get these emotions out on paper. Get comfortable with grief, and be gentle on yourself 🕊️🤍

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