i had a miscarriage.

i’ve always wanted to be a mom. my “dream job” changed a million times through the years, but being a mom was always something i hoped for. my plan was to buy a home, get married, and then fill our house with as many children as the universe would allow us to.

in december, i realized i was late. i took what seemed like 100 tests, all with faint positive results, and i was more angry than id like to admit. my plan was getting thrown out the window. yes, we had the house and yes, we were planning our dream wedding, but this wasn’t the order of events i had been hoping for. looking back now, i realize how selfish that was, and i think about it every single day.

anyway, slowly i began getting more excited- thinking of names and how much our life as a couple was going to change. my blood test results came back and everything looked great, though it was still very early. we had no reason to worry, right? wrong.

one friday night, at my fiancé’s work christmas party, i began spotting. i honestly didn’t think much of it. i had always heard that sometimes it was normal. the next morning, though, the bleeding had increased and by then i was cramping terribly. i remember crying in bed, in the kitchen, on the bathroom floor. gut instinct told me exactly what was happening, and it was impossible to ignore any longer.

my fiancé loaded me in the car and drove to the closest ER, where it was confirmed i was having a miscarriage. my tears had all but ran out by now, and i just laid there, feeling numb, with IVs in my arms and nurses looking at me with pity in their eyes. i’ll never forget leaving the hospital that evening knowing that we no longer had a baby to look forward to.

a million thoughts ran through my head- they still do. if i were more excited, would this have happened? was this karma? did i deserve this?

the worst part by far was the way i was expected to keep my emotions under wraps.

“at least you weren’t far along”, “at least you know you can conceive”, “you can always try again when you’re actually ready and prepared”… the list goes on and on.

& even now, months later, im more resentful and upset than i’d like to admit. seeing all of the pregnancy and birth announcements make me happy for others, but leave me wondering when it will be our turn, when we’ll get to experience that same joy.

i still have hope, though, and i pray that all of us that have experienced this heartbreak get our rainbow babies one day.

#miscarriage #embracevulnerability