Losing myself in a relationship 👦🏻💔

Three years of a relationship broke down within five months. I couldn’t understand why the future we were planning together was ruined. I lost my entire identity as a person without my last partner the moment we broke up. He cheated, and I sought “revenge” by trying to “glow up” in the most unhealthy and toxic way, damaging my self-worth and health in the process.

When he left for an exchange program, the fights started, and the blame fell on me. I cried every day and told him I’d change for him. I was overly worried about his safety, which led me to lose my appetite. I meal prepped every day, eating overnight oats and/or a croissant daily. I started losing weight and experiencing hair loss.

I bought myself a Xiaomi weighing scale from Shopee and set a goal weight of 45 kg (I’m 153 cm tall). I weighed myself every morning after using the bathroom, making sure to wear the same few sets of pajamas each day to keep my weight consistent. I punished myself by eating less if my weight didn’t drop further, and on days I “ate too much,” I would drown myself in laxatives—both pills and liquid. I had struggled with IBS-C since the age of 17, and I always kept laxatives on hand, but now I was abusing them.

When he was about to return from his exchange, he called me and admitted he cheated. I realized it was never really about me; it was about his guilt. We broke up, and my mental health deteriorated further. I would cry myself to sleep and cry when I woke up.

I started going on walks, each lasting a minimum of 5 km. When that wasn’t enough, I began running. Even when I had no energy, I would take naps to regain some before going on 2.7 km runs. I had never been good at running; I always failed my NAPFA tests in school, passing just by a few seconds. I challenged myself to run faster than before, tracking all my runs on RunKeeper. If I failed to improve, I would sit on benches near my house and cry before going home. I would run up to four times a week. I was still in university, and each day was really difficult. My lecturer even advised me to consider taking a gap year for my mental health, but I knew I couldn’t do it. I wanted to be accountable to my parents and do better than my ex did in school.

Time went on, and I lost a total of 9 kg; I was 46 kg at my lowest. I was happy to see my BMI on the Xiaomi app getting lower, but it came at the expense of losing my hair. I struggled with (still do) body dysmorphia and would cry over the way I look everyday. Even taking a shower was difficult, because i had to be naked in front of my mirror. There wasn’t a day I didn’t obsess over the 0.1kg i lose. I lost so much that my scalp hurt every time I showered. I would starve during my internship lunches and watch my friends eat whenever I went out with them.

It’s been about two years since then, and I’m happy to say that I’m finally eating well and feeling better. I’ve met my new boyfriend, and he’s changed me for the better. I’m definitely not as skinny as I was, but I’m less restrictive with my food, and I’m experiencing less hair loss. I still don’t fully love the way I look, but I know that I’m now finally happy, healthier, and in a better relationship—all thanks to my boyfriend. He taught me how to eat again, being gentle with me throughout the entire process. I’ve obviously gained a lot of weight since, but at least I’m much healthier now, or so my friends say. So, if you’re reading this, D, I love you with all my heart. Thank you for helping me out of my unhealthy relationship with food and exercise.

P.S. I now suffer from patellar tendonitis from all the running I did, and I also had to undergo ankle reconstruction surgery.

#RealTalk #relationship #MentalHealth #mentalhealthawareness