Choose before you commit!

Are you looking for a r/s with marriage in mind? Here are some things to consider early on before fully committing:

1️⃣ Values:

Understand your own values, the non-negotiables (your hard yes / no) and negotiables (the soft guidelines and preferences). For example, my hard no-s are cheating and being disrespectful, while my negotiables are for instance, I am someone who value quality time through texts, but I am also able to compromise to the amount of time spent. It is important to evaluate these values before putting him/her in the picture!

2️⃣ What are your take on money?

This includes understanding each other’s spending habits (for instance does he/she spend on any expensive hobbies, do any investments (his/her risk tolerance)), generosity towards others (it may reflect on whether (s)he is going to be generous with you, and if this is something you value, it is something to evaluate!), etc. It is about exploring how you both view splurging, budgeting and sharing financial responsibilities.

3️⃣ Family Dynamics:

I am a strong believer that family plays a significant part in shaping a person, including their attachment styles and decision-making processes. Consider his/her relationship with the family, including the conflict resolution styles (is (s)he avoidant / confrontational, etc.). If you have met the family, consider if there is any tension between you and the family, how does (s)he resolve them. Understanding his/her stand on resolving conflicts between yall can help anticipate future challenges for you!

4️⃣ Family Planning:

How many kids / pets do you want? How committed are you in having kids (this includes the extent you guys will go to have kids for instance doing IVF, etc.). Is there a preference for a specific gender? Thoughts on adoptions? Discussion on parenting styles and division of caregiving duties.

5️⃣ Life Goals:

Discussing individual aspirations and long-term goals early.

While these are tough questions to talk about (especially if you guys just started dating, it may seem too much to talk about), they are also necessary as we are prone to the sunk cost fallacy which may cloud our judgement. Delaying such discussions makes pulling yourself out harder because you have already given so much (or so you thought)! You may end up holding on longer under the false hope that issues will resolve over time when in fact, these issues will more often magnify when the initial honeymoon phase runs out and the realities of everyday life set in.

There are no right or wrong answers for any of these questions, it’s just a matter of whether the two of you are aligned / whether there is a point of compromisation where you can reach (with nil complaints).

Let me know your thoughts and if there are other considerations as well! 🤗

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