I had a terrible burnout and the root cause was me

in Dec 2023, I was literally crying everyday the moment I have to turn on my laptop. It was not that I can’t do the work. I can do a lot and that’s the reason I was crying. It sounds so arrogant to say it out. But in my mind I was thinking, I wish I don’t have the skill to fix this issue. I wish I am a bad employee. I wish I am someone as useless as the person who does not need to work. I hated myself for being good and knowing things. I cried everyday because of my very good reputation at work.

Not sure how many people have reached to this stage but I lacked boundaries.

I was working round the clock and I was burnt out.

It was so terrible that I still couldn’t talk about this moment without my voice shaking or shredding a tear.

It was so terrible that I felt a sense of pain when I accidentally saw the code I pushed around that timing, while I was crying my eyes out but my hands and brain still fixing the issues.

Then I decided to quit the job or change the job.

Recently someone told me,

She: “have you analysed what makes you burn out?”

Me: people and their skills mismatched for the roles they’re doing and all their work is falling over to me

She: U know? Incompetent people, they’re everywhere and they will always be there, even in school. So if incompetent people cause u burnout and burnout cause you resign, will you always resign Everytime u meet incompetent people? Is that how you are going to fix the situation? And is that how you’ve been dealing this so far?

Me: 🫥

Well trust me, it pains me to be criticised over a decision I made because I was crying my eyes out everyday. It hurts me that I am being criticised for being kind to myself. But what she said is also not wrong. For every job I quit, I made sure it is a better opportunity but the moment I decided to move is always the moment I burned out. And the reason of my burn out always has been that I don’t know how to deal with incompetent people. I kept on pushing myself saying that this too will pass and I just need to help out a bit. Then at one point, I just broke down and decided to change job.

That has always been a circle. I need to break this. I need to learn to live with incompetence. I need to teach myself to guide through the incompetence. I need to navigate myself to get my goal done and keep myself happy and healthy without letting in the chaos and incompetence. It’s like living with Covid.

So in parallel to applying for new jobs and hopping around again, I also started to practise saying nos and making myself a priority. I won’t let myself burnout again regardless of how chaotic and crazy it might seem.

This post serves as a warning for myself and other corporate girlies to not let yourself fall into this

“Dear reader, if it feels like a trap, you’re already in one” - Dear Reader, Taylor Swift

my related burnout stories ⬇️

👉 How I kept myself sane for 8 months after this

👉Consequences of burnout

👉 Reflections and lessons learned

#burnout

#MentalHealth #corporatelife #developer