Dealing with grief

Trigger warning 🚨🚨 suicide

This is my best friend rafi. From the minute we met each other in our dorm, we were inseparable. and I mean inseparable. If people knew me they knew of rafi. We did everything together, vacationed together, lived together, planned our futures to be together. He was gay and we agreed I would be his egg donor so he can have kids some day. Rafi literally would go on dates with me and my date would be the third wheel. He was everything to me, and one day he changed. My best friend was his roommate at the time and told me she thinks he’s taking drugs. She looked through his drawers and found a type of Xanax that was banned in the 80s because of high suicide rates. We first noticed his change in October 2018, then November we started getting concerned as he was becoming someone else. Frantic, more panicky, his temper was short. This was very unlike him. December 6th 2018 we reached out to our school and planned an intervention to take place December 10th. On December 9th 2018 I got a call from his roommate on my way home from getting my nails done. She said Rafi’s dead and I stopped in the middle of a parking lot and fell to my knees screaming. The pain I felt is still with me. I have never been the same. I feel responsible and like I should’ve done something sooner. We tried. I would always tell him I loved him as often as I could. He changed so quickly it was unrecognizable and I didn’t know what to do. 6 years later I still feel the same hurt as the day it happened. 6 years later and I still hear his laugh. I’m happy I knew him at his greatest. He was the most amazing selfless person I knew and I would do anything to have him back here earth side with me. I’m still trying to navigate this grief. And it randomly overwhelms me and stops me in my tracks. I try to let myself feel these feelings but I only do it when I’m alone. People don’t do well comforting people who are mourning someone’s death so I tend not to bring it up. Any chance I get to talk about rafi I will. I’ll forever love and cherish the moments we had together. Rip rafi ❤️ #grief #suicideprevention #suicideawareness #mygriefjourney #unfiltered #ventpost #love