ASEXUAL ?

From early on I was introduced to sex and was sa’d which led to years of my hyper sexualizing myself and being hyper sexualized by others. All my life I was surrounded by sex and attached my self worth to what I could provide and do for people sexually. I was sa’d by family members and then came a long line of sexual assault and harassment throughout the years including having stalkers ( maybe I’ll do a lil story time abt that)

When I first started liking people I liked girls and then boys and eventually I came out as bi then pan around my freshmen yr of high school. I’ve been in therapy and really began unpacking my relationship with sex learning to love myself throughout the years from middle school to now and had a whole lot more great and terrible sexual experiences. Around sophomore year I started to identify as demisexual which little did I know at the time was apart of the ace umbrella terms. But what really made me realize that I might be asexual was when I was in my first “real” relationship with my ex prior to our relationship I was abstinent and was for yrs I broke my abstinence for him. Which was a decision I later regretted and then forgave myself for. But in a nutshell I felt like I had to be constantly having sex to keep him liking me. One day he complained abt us having sex too much which I was secretly relieved one he wasn’t making me cum anyways but also I finally felt relieved that I didn’t need to be having sex all the time. The relief was short lived because when I’d go over and not initiate sex he would initiate it. And then beg or guilt me into having sex with him or not wanting to stop of I said I had to go. I talked to him one day and said I think I might be asexual he asked me not to come out bc it’d embarrass him and people would think he wasn’t fcking me right. After that relationship ended I met someone who I felt completely safe with and comfortable with the sex was great lols but I still felt like it was something I need to do for him to like me. And even with me being please I still felt disgusted afterwards. I started being abstinent again and gave sex a try some more times hated it and realized that It might not be for me. I don’t watch porn anymore or really get turned on by other pple or even want to have sex with others anymore the attraction just isn’t there for me. I started dating again as an asexual most people think that I’m lying though or ignore it and then I’m forced to re- come out and remind them but recently I met someone who has been great and not sexual at all and I love it. I’m still sometimes really nervous about telling pple that I’m asexual especially because I still don’t have everything figured out yet, if I’m indifferent to sex if if I’m aromantic but I’m just happy as I am right now and always looking to find new ace friends !!!!#asexual#embracevulnerability #lgbtq🌈 #comingoutjourney #Lemon8Diary#demisexual #myjourney