I finally went to therapy for the first time

It’s been 4 months since I quit, but I still felt the same amount of tension and pressure as if I was still working. This was how I knew that my job was just the trigger, and theres something deeper that I needed to work on.

Through talking with Nic (my husband) last week, I finally recognised and admitted that I was in psychological and physiological *pain*. I felt like I NEEDED to do something more drastic, and that’s how I decided to try therapy.

I’ve always thought that therapy was only for depressed people. And that I didn’t need any help in terms of mental health, I was doing fine on my own! But I’ve also always struggled to ask for help in general. I didn’t feel like I was depressed enough (even in this I didn’t feel “good enough” lol), I still find joy in little things, I have my appetite etc right. In a way I didn’t want to admit that I was struggling and actually needed professional help like wtf me???

But anyway! The next day I googled for a therapist and found one with a specialisation that I thought would suit my needs, made an appointment, and went for it.

Here’s my reflections after the first session:

- therapy can be for anyone, even if you don’t feel like you need it, and there’s nothing wrong with going for it! We should remove the stigma surrounding it (talking to myself lol)

- it might not be for everyone and that’s okay too!

- I feel like I’m still on the fence, I’m not 100% sure I vibe with my therapist and I’m not sure if it made any difference, but I did felt like it was a chore having to explain my life story to give them the necessary background, after all, they only know what you tell them

- at the same time, the therapist shared that it’ll take 5-10 sessions before I would feel any difference/better, and it also depends on each individual!

- but from sharing about my childhood and life story, I got the “confirmation” I needed to justify how I felt, because all along I thought I had a loving enough family, how could I still feel what I was feeling and why am I going through this unnecessarily? But talking about it and saying the story out loud to a random stranger, I could hear myself feeling and realising that “okay, this is not okay” and it’s totally understandable why I felt what I was feeling and it’s completely okay to feel this way

- my parents have always been very harsh on mistakes and “wrong choices” (the few times I rebelled and went against their word), so now I’m hyper afraid of making mistakes and making the wrong decision, as I was never given the positive validation for making my own choices

- I’m feeling overwhelmed now since growing up, the choices have always been made for me. So I didn’t have enough “practice” and too much “freedom” suddenly after getting married and working can be pretty overwhelming!

- how my parents spoke to me is now how I talk to myself and sometimes people around me 🥲 (not from therapy but I really feel like I need a lot of reparenting and learning how to be more kind to myself)

- similar to the point above, while pressure starts of being external (from parents, from environment), too long/too much and that pressure starts being absorbed internally 🥲 so technically nobody or nothing is pressurising me but myself 😭😭😭

- in terms of diagnosis, I might have dysthymia, it’s a milder form of depression, but also typically lasts longer, which aligns with my awareness of feeling this way for the longest time (what I remember is from my 21st birthday but it could also be before then)

- she figured that i already do some form of talk therapy with Nic so she said she’ll try experiential therapy the next sessions

- im on the fence whether to continue this with her or not!!!!! Cos I feel like our vibe was neutral? I didn’t feel wow but not bad either so i‘ll probably try another session and also enquire with another therapist to compare if it’s the therapy or the therapist

Ok it’s super long but I just wanted to be as open and also for my own notes so if you’ve read until here then 🥹 leave a comment and let’s connect!

As for Nakey at Chinatown, I felt like the matcha pistachio latte tasted murky (not a great use of matcha nor pistachio), and the donut french toast was also sadly swimming in a pool of soggy cornflakes in thin maple syrup 🥲 would not recommend these two items if you do end up going there!

PS. I got inspired to share about this because I’ve recently seen @helloinfinite and @theslowhouse post about their journey on Instagram and it’s been so reassuring for me to see these ladies that I look up to, going through a similar journey - a pull to work on our inner world and self love - and coming out better, stronger.

PPS. It’s been 4 days since I went and I somehow felt lighter, especially yesterday when I first noticed it! But it could also be due a shift in energy from the partial Lunar eclipse HAHAHA (yes I’m a believer of in-depth astrology come at me!!!!)

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