SAFE SPACE: Losing A Loved One

It’s almost so surreal that I would ever put this deep of thought and feeling onto the internet; But, like the title says this is a safe space.

Back in 2016, I began my freshman year of high school. I remember so vividly my best friend showing up to every game I had. Now, you might think that’s pretty standard of grandparent right?

However, my papaw was much much more than that. Just years earlier in late elementary school, through middle school and summer before my freshman year I spent every moment with him. He was who I spent summers with, working in our hay fields and learning how to use farm equipment. He was a hard man, who had a soft spot in his heart for his granddaughter (me).

If you asked my mom, my grandma, my aunt or anyone else to describe him; They’d use the word “mean”. Granted some days he was a little harder on me then others, but every one of those had a purpose. I vividly remember when I was 13, learning how to drive a large diesel truck. With a 10-12 ft flat bed trailer loaded down with Hay. Was it legal? No. Was it beneficial? YES.

Just as my first freshman semester ended, his heart began to fail. I remember us visiting him at the hospital while he still had consciousness. But, soon after those months his decline was rapid. Beginning of 2017, his hospital stays grew longer. No longer was he conscious most times. Just laying there in silence.

But, July of 2017 was when it all fell apart. He was moved from a lower level hospital to one 30 miles away that had a heart specific unit. Upon transporting him, we thought things would turn around. As August approached quickly, he would have a good day then take 10 steps back the next couple of days. Till finally the first week in September, he was moved to hospice care down the road.

September 8th began like any other day. That morning me and my nana arrived in Houston to move him to hospice care (This was just after meeting my baby sister at 8 am). I remember arriving at the hospice care center and sitting with him after they wheeled his body in. I quietly remember holding his hand and sitting in silence with him before saying bye for the day.

Soon we headed back home to enjoy dinner with family, who’d come into town to meet my new baby sister. As we sat down and started eating, conversing. My nana’s phone rang. Me being nosy, I answered her phone. My heart stopped when it was the hospice care nurse we had just talked to earlier that morning. As she talked with my nana, we soon learned that my grandpa had officially passed at 8pm.

Me, my nana, my aunt and uncle loaded up into his wife’s Tahoe to go to the hospice center to say our goodbyes. As we walked into the building, a sense of sadness fell over my body. I remember walking up to the door and my aunt telling me not to go in because it would scare me to see him gone.

My most vivid memory of losing him, was that same nurse standing in the hallway comforting me. She gave me the biggest hug and rubbed my back as I sobbed loudly. Not only had my family not cared about my feelings in that moment, but they gave me no opportunity to say bye. My uncle walked out of the room and gave me the biggest hug next. He rubbed my back and told me that all was going to be just fine. That death is a thing that happens.

I couldn’t tell you the last time I felt okay or normal since losing him. When I stood over his casket at his funeral, my heart stopped. No longer was I spending my time with my best-friend, now I had to learn a new pace in life; How to live without him. I wish I could tell you that I’m okay since then because I’m not. Seeing him in that wooden casket, brought the emptiest feeling to my body and it changed me.

Grief is a weird feeling; One of hurt, one of anger, one of sorrow, etc. But, my page is a safe space for YOU to talk about YOUR grief as well. Because we all deserve that opportunity

#safespace #lemon8challenge #lifechangingjourney