Problematic Kid In School || Personal Story

Just like in the title, another story time about me!! Yes I wasn't always the good kid when I was younger, in fact I was as problematic as I mentioned XD but somehow it really seemed like there's something going on internally with my issues that made me who I am today. I have no idea if anyone faced the same problem as me when they're younger so I will share mine.

It's weird that a kid that was as young as 8 years old would developed a habit of stealing. And I was one of the kid who had this weird symptoms of stealing but never felt remorse in my life even though I know that it's wrong for me to do so and I shouldn't be doing that but it's also something that I have no control with between my senses and my brain. I can honestly say that even if there's a rational thought behind my head telling me i shouldn't do it, there's always a thought right in front of my head saying "just take it what if you need it?", "what if u can't get them anywhere and you'll lose it forever?" etc. These intrusive thoughts was there ever since I was 8 years old which could be pretty infuriating for a 8 year old who knows nothing about what's happening to them

The first time I actually commit was the time when I was in a class and my teacher brought in some beautiful flash cards and left it in the classroom. Knowing nothing about myself I just had the worst thought of taking it back with me and I did it after school. Having it in my bag just makes me feel extremely happy and never thought of giving it back. Funny how I was even able to lie to my parents that it was a gift by my teacher seamlessly which till this day I'm very surprised and I have no idea how did I managed to do that.

Yes I get caught at the end of the day after that but that doesn't stop me from keep doing it over and over again and the cycle continues with "steal > lie > had fun with it > get caught > get punished > repeat" without a feeling off remorse in it and I don't know why either and that issue had repeatedly happening throughout my entire primary school era. I even received a warning letter with what I've done and I almost got expelled which the school is kind enough to not do that to me. I had classmates talking bad behind my back or even avoided me at all cost causing me to get bullied and get left out by everyone.

I am embarrassed to say that this issue of mine hasn't solved till this day but I was able to control myself better than when i was younger. But that still doesn't mean that I completely stopped myself from doing it without remorse still. Some say it was a possible kleptomania from the some of the symptoms that I had but it was still yet to be diagnosed by a professional. There's probably a lot of reasons behind my actions but it was currently remain unknown.

I have no idea if anyone ever experienced any mental health issues that was developed without knowing since a really young age and only realized that when they grew up and been thinking about it over and over again trying to find a reason behind it. Honestly I have quite a bit of issues but stealing is the biggest issue that I'm still struggling to control to this day. I hope yall won't see me as a thief as I'm genuinely trying my best to be the best version of myself trying to keep myself in control when those feelings are always getting out of hand

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