He did try. I was just too much.

This marks my final recount of him. I've cried enough. I took a one day break today just to reflect and heal. It's past midnight now, so the one day break is over. 18 hours is all I can afford to lose. No more wasting time.

So I've been clearing my iCloud. I thought I was rid of every single trace of him, but there's so many screenshots I took of the earlier conversations that I've never fully deleted. Yes, I've censored out all the sensitive and private information for anonymity. And yes, I said in my previous post that I would never post screenshots of anything between him and I out of respect for what we had. Hence, these are the earliest ones that I deem non-personal, during that phase where him and I are solely platonic.

Dear C,

[1st 2nd slide]

You watched me cry over A. You watched me push him away, and cry at 3am on a school day, wholly regretting my actions. My best friend had grown tired of hearing me cry and put myself in turmoil over him, tired of listening to me rant and talk about him over and over again. You encouraged me to get him back, you were the only person that listened and gave me hope at that point of time. You've seen me at my lowest then, seen how broken I was. How much conflict I am in my relationships and my inability to form anything stable. The way I put myself in so much pain, running back and forth to people, "pushing and pulling" because of my disorganised attachment style. Watched me drive myself crazy at 4am. Yet told me that if I chased him, there is still hope. I never chased him in the end though, and that was the last time I ever spoke of him. What you probably didn't expect though, was for me to do the same to you. I never really healed before I moved on with you, and the same thing happened again. To be honest, it wasn't as bad as with A, because we really had great communication. You sat me down and clarified every single doubt I had. You addressed every single worry I had. When my best friend texted you to leave me because I was in a disarray, you called me to ask what was wrong. You made me feel comfortable with you and healed my disorganised attachment slowly and surely. Yet, I pulled the same stunt on you again, out of fear. Pushed you away. Blocked you. And I lost you.

You were right. I should've built assurance slowly. I should've healed myself instead of jumping headfirst, ruining our friendship that I treasured so much in the process. I was impulsive, rash and foolish. When I did the same thing to you, I regretted it so, so much. I thought that by applying the same method, texting and calling you incessantly and unceasingly would yield the same result you told me it would for A. It drove you further away instead. Shattered the remainder of what we had. The glass ball I once held in my hand was shattered, it's fragments scattered across the floor, too numerous to pick up and rebuild again.

[3rd/4th slide]

Somehow, after that day, the winds started to change, and the sails of my life led me closer to you instead. I liked to go where the current takes me at full speed, never once wondering if I was heading towards a storm without gathering enough supplies or questioning if I could make it through in my current state. I dove headfirst into the waves, and you let me. You let me pull you along into the rapids without a life vest when you were once safe on shore, unbeknownst to the fact that I was not a mermaid but a drowning individual unable to help herself stay afloat, much less carry the weight of another man.

[5th slide]

To be fair, I did warn you though. I was well aware of the fact that I was going to break you one day. Nonetheless, you put your faith in me and showed me an experience of a lifetime.You know, I've never really scrolled back so far in a long while, but I noticed that your texting style had changed a lot. It became more like mine. If you one day read it though, I hope you keep it. I hope you carry at least one fragment of mine for the rest of your life. It sounds selfish, but I hope you take away some bits and pieces of me in you. And I hope I made an impression, a mark on you that would last longer than the last ray of light faded in the world, that the oceans dried and the last petal of the hundred and one roses I will never be able to buy for you wilts. That though I hurt you in the end, you would recall the fond memories of all the happy moments we shared since the start, and smile when you go through the darkest days.

[6th slide]

Darling, I was stupid to clear chat. Stupid to run away from you out of fear. Stupid to press that block button immediately when you've done nothing wrong. It was just that emotional turmoil I tried so hard to contain in me exploding, triggered out of fear, stress, and insecurity. The millions of times I re-read the last few messages you've sent - they were well thought out. So well thought out too. I just wasn't in the right mental space to process it well. I was merely clouded by my own fear and judgement that I missed the meaning of what you said. You are my biggest regret, darling. I pissed you off, drove you away, and lost you completely.

I would give the world to just see you again. To hold one last conversation again. To reverse the clock again and again to relive the highs, the lows, the fast and the slow with you. To mend every mistake I've made. To get a fresh start. I wish one day we would cross paths again when I'vs finished working on myself. That fate would give me a second chance to work everything out from a fresh and clean sheet of paper. I shouldn't have tossed out that beautiful painting we made just because there was a wrinkle in it. I should've painted over the wrinkle and made it shine instead. You were a lesson learnt, and my biggest regret. And no matter how much I beg the stars and life to give me a second chance, you want nothing to do with me anymore. You're done. We've wrapped everything up completely.

I wished I never deleted chat. I wished I still kept every single bit of our conversation so that I can reread over and over again, reminiscing and drowning myself in your intoxication. In your words. In your actions. In you.

I'd cut the film showing the movie because of one tiny error, despite it being a good movie. Now, the screening has ended and the cinema is once again drowned in darkness. You've left. So please tell me why am I still sitting in the front row, trying to replay the scenes over and over again, wishing I never did what I did? Drowning myself in regret over what was lost?

Q

#RealTalk #disorganizedattachment #heartbreak #redflags #redflag