DIGITAL DIARY: EMBRACING MY INNER IT GIRL

Growing up, I was the girl that "nobody liked"

I was always made fun of for how I spoke, dressed, and acted. I was never afraid to be myself, and being young, I think that some people saw that as a threat.

While, on the outside, I always appeared to not let it bother me, on the inside, it created a great deal of insecurities for me. So much so, that even as a well-liked and generally popular adult, I've always felt like secretly, everyone hates me— that it will always be this way, and that I'll never be good enough.

But as time has gone on and I've worked to heal those wounds, I've realized that I need to stop holding onto the past. I'm not the awkward teenager I used to be, and holding onto that version of myself has done nothing but hold me back. Instead, I'm starting to see things for what they actually were, instead of how I was made to feel.

As an adult, I've been praised for the things that made me different as a child — as a kid, people hated my goofy personality and reluctance to be anything but myself. As an adult, not to toot my own horn, I'm beloved in most of the places I encounter.

I've gotten awards for my achievements as a grad student, complimented on my ability to work hard and relate to others in the workplace, and my friends and family see me as irreplaceable.

And what I've realized is that people hated me as a kid because, whether or not they realized it, they saw who I could be — and they hated that they didn't have to guts to actually be themselves in the ways that I did.

So now I look back and I can see that not only was the bullying meant to bring me down to their level, but the fact that anyone ever put in that much effort toward humbling me means to me that I have ALWAYS been special — I have always been an IT girl.

As a kid, my mom would always say to me "I don't know why you are always trying to fit in when you were meant to stand out" and I never quite understood it. I would think surely I'm not special enough to stand out.

But my experiences as an adult have made me realize that I was after all — that when people are so upset by your presence it's because you're worth getting worked up over. You're worth being obsessed with. And you've always been good enough.

and this is exactly how I've started showing up in the world.

So the next time time someone tries to humble you or bring your down, or you feel like you're not worthy, look back at all your accomplishments, all the people who love you, and all the great qualities you have and remind yourself that you ARE who you think you are.

The next time others take the time to notice you, whether negatively or positively, don't see it as you're doing something wrong, see it as a compliment.

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