“then how you find someone liddat??”

hi guys, this topic is gonna be on the deep side. i hope it doesn’t get misinterpreted if it blows up by any chance. just wanna share that these are based on my own experiences + reflecting upon my life and as an individual — it’s ok to have differing views 💭

#UnpopularOpinion for context i’m in my late 20s and have never used or been on a dating app, ever. some of you might be thinking “is she even human? what kind of life does she have?”

today, i’m here to share with you personally why i have not used or tried dating apps at this juncture. it has to do with my genetic makeup partially, plus experiences i’ve gone through in my life, some of which were extremely unfortunate but have taught me life lessons about myself

we’ve all been through it (for those who’ve reached the young adult stage) — puppy love, teasing each other about crushes in school and trying so hard to attract our crush etc. unfortunately as someone with social difficulties, i didn’t really have good experiences when it came to crushes or guys who expressed interest in me. more often than not, they had an ulterior motive (let’s not open a can of worms) and these “advances” left me with self esteem that plummeted over the years.

as a result, i developed the notion that “guys won’t like me, i’m never good enough smart enough or pretty enough” “guys just want something out of me and when i can’t fulfil it they’ll leave me” “even if it’s a good guy he’ll find that i’m not to his standards and i’m not good enough for him”.

unfortunately i still struggle today to shake off these thoughts when they come especially when people ask me “oh you’re not dating? why are you not on dating apps or even trying?” 🙃

before dating apps were on the rise i’ve met people organically (i still honestly prefer organic meetups when getting to know others) and i personally feel that if people can fake it irl (i unfortunately met someone like that last year and it was beyond terrible), what more on a platform?

another reason why i wouldn’t find myself on dating apps (yet) is after a lot of self reflection. tldr i was in a very toxic situationship last year where i found myself being manipulated and constantly gaslighted (man wasn’t even the least bit remorseful the whole time — he even tried to distort facts but too bad i was paying attention and things didn’t add up after which when i picked them out he’ll get defensive and upset💀). fyi i met him organically in a Christian community where it’s supposed to be safer, the irony 🙃

this experience last year + being in an emotionally toxic relationship for 4 years prior to that incident made me realise that i was dating or looking to date to fulfil a status (because some do have the impression that someone with autism can’t get married), and to quench that inner feeling of loneliness in me. as i healed (and am still healing) from past incidents, whether it be in schooling days or early dating days or situationships — i know that my heart will flutter when exposed to a potential date environment or compliments from the opp gender. until and unless i am able to exercise self control and to guard my heart, i don’t want to be putting myself and my heart in a compromising situation and risking further hurt.

for now, my focus is on discovering my passions and how i can best utilise my strengths in life, as well as networking with likeminded individuals and gaining experiences in areas i am passionate about. i’ve been learning how to be more self assertive and assert boundaries when needed without coming off too strong. i’m also big on solo dates and self pampering activities once in a while — these have helped me to better enjoy spending time in my own company without relying on others 🫶🏻 i’m learning how to be the kind of person that goes “when it happens, it happens” and to work on myself first rather than expect someone else to complete me, trusting that God makes things happen in His time 🕰️

would i ever consider dating apps one day? i can’t rule out the possibility. but one thing i wanna commit to when that day comes is to have a trusted accountability partner or mentor to journey together with me in this process — can’t emphasise the importance of it. the accountability partner would be someone i trust who’s able to pick up red flags that i might not be able to discern right away as well as be able to help me read between the lines (especially since i’m still learning how to discern and understand much more complex social cues!)

if you’ve read this far, sending you a big 🩵

#GirlTalk #RealTalk #BeReal #ramblings #datingapps #relationshipstruggles