Subtle things that might be a red flag in your r/s

The year is coming to a close very very soon (we are only 2.5 months away 😱) and as i was just reflecting on my life the past year, i made the brave decision to walk out of a relationship last year in October 2023.

Life has been a whirlwind and recently, I’ve been having lots of conversations of how some of my friends who are experiencing relationship problems, did not notice the red flags or did not think that some things their partners does or say was a red flag.

I totally get that and upon reflection of my r/s, here are some subtle things that i came to the realisation about/made observations across other r/s that people have shared with me and that it can or may be a red flag if your partner does any of these things:

🌟 He/She does not notice/care about the little things.

the one thing that i had always requested from my partner on special occasions was a bouquet of flowers 💐 it was a simple & small request and i had never asked for an expensive $500 bouquet but just a small one would do.

i rmb i had requested it on Vday last year but he didn’t listen at all! it was my first serious r/s and my first time celebrating vday, yes vday is super over-commercialised and over-rated but i rly wanted flowers! and it was our first time celebrating too so why not just do something special n sweet this year and we can forget about it next year.

my birthday came a month later and he learned his lesson n bought me flowers LOL BUT a few months later when we were celebrating our anniversary (MORE IMPT RIGHT N FIRST YEAR ANNI SOME MORE), i requested for flowers again and all he said was “but i bought you flowers on your birthday already, why must get on anniversary?” and made a comment that flowers are impractical.

Yes, it is impractical but if it makes your partner happy & it’s reasonable why not? learning to notice the little things that make your partner happy & cherished goes a long way and in return, your partner will be appreciative too! this is why learning about each other’s love languages is important because you must know how to care for each other in the way your partner receives love not how YOU prefer to receive love. it’s a give n take!

🌟 Not taking initiative/not being pro-active/being passive

i’ve heard so many stories about how my girl friends wait for their husbands/boyfriends to take initiative on certain things, it can range from not helping out in household chores, to deciding the next date to planning for the future. and even voicing it out or asking about it, the men STILL DO NOTHING 😤

my ex always made the excuse that he’s a poor planner and so he didn’t take much initiative to plan unless I TELL HIM TO 🤡 so if i don’t push him and don’t nudge him or suggest to him, he won’t do anything. because he was also a cabin crew, he lived from roster to roster. and i rmb in the early stages of our r/s, whenever he gets his roster & sends it to me, i would carve out common off days or weekends that we can meet n even told him that he is free to go ahead and book any dates to do something or an activity tgt. fella didn’t do shit. he will last min ask to meet for dinner or something or unless it’s an activity that i rly rly rly want to do & push then mAYbe he might book or reserve but usually it’s always me that comes up with something.

this became tiring because even when it came to the more serious stuff like going for church cell groups, attending the marriage preparation course, he’s not around! so i usually have to plan and initiate when and where and coordinate our schedules which was so tiring 😔 i mean i had accepted that he wouldn’t be around most of the time but he rly acted like he didn’t have any part to play n left me to do most of the planning.

🌟 Not consistent in respecting boundaries

this is something that my girl friends face the hardest esp when it comes to drawing boundaries with in-laws 😣 for me, i had an issue with my partner of not sleeping on the same bed esp if he comes to stay over because im not comfortable with sharing the same personal space & this is my parent’s home too. idw to be doing anything funny or couple-ly stuff when i know my parents are just next door. this was the boundary that i draw and i would offer that i sleep in my mum’s room (cuz my parents sleep in diff rooms due to diff sleeping habits) n he sleeps on my bed in my own room which is okay right? im not asking him to sleep on the living room floor or what.

that fella picked a fight about it every single time. he was angry & felt that i didn’t trust him enough. it was so frustrating to go through the same thing over n over again and when the tables were turned last yr in July when i visited his parents for the first time in Malaysia, fella knew his parents wouldn’t like it also if we’re sharing a room since we’re not married and rightfully so cuz im just a guest at their place. so he diam diam and let me sleep peacefully by myself in the guest room whilst he sleeps in his own room 🤨

what a hypocrite! if your partner doesn’t respect the boundaries that you draw for yourself even in physical intimacy (which my partner also often did because he has nEEds and i need to meet them 🙄) n likes to challenge or argue or does not reciprocate respectfully, pls consider that they may not be the right one for you. nobody should be forcing or coercing you to do or say anything if you don’t want to! REMEMBER LADIES, NO IS A FULL SENTENCE.

🌟 not being self-aware for/to change

there were a lot of things that my ex and i fought about and he always vowed to change or be better. he even “jokingly” said he kept a bible of things/habits/requests that i have made just so that he can rmb them (which proved to be of no use cuz he did not rmb any detail).

to me, understanding your partner takes time, effort and consistency. you can’t define a person by a list of likes/dislikes etc etc both parties need to reflect on themselves in the r/s and what things they need to improve on in order to really sustain in a r/s. if your partner says they’ll reflect n change but don’t change, it’s probably because they don’t reflect upon themselves as much and just think that if your partner doesn’t get angry or everything is going smoothly then it’s ok.

not being self-aware and humble yourself to change is probably the biggest red flag of all. this was the biggest reason why i broke it off w my ex because he was someone that could not and would not repent. he never reflected fully on his actions and didn’t make effort to change his mindset. it was only when things got shitty & i was angry then he’ll scramble to try to make it up for things.

i realise from my experience that i can love someone but it doesn’t mean i like them as a person and that’s how i feel with my ex. i could love him as a gf in a r/s but i didn’t like him as who he is and whilst he has his good points, but i didn’t like him enough to be confident that this is a man i can marry and live w for the rest of my life.

so if you’ve read thus far, probably something here struck a chord and you probably are considering about your r/s. let me tell you: don’t shortchange yourself, you deserve a happy, fulfilling r/s that doesn’t suck the soul out of you and regard equally as a partner with equal effort 😊

all the best zesties! 🍋