Dear Dad,

It’s the ideal dream to grow up, start a family, and live well off. From having a partner and kids, to spending the holidays with the ones who got to greet that dream way before you have. But once you are able to say hello to that start, you’ve lived a life of mistakes. We all do, and just like you, no one is proud of them. Unlike you though, others learn from them and use them to teach the product of their dream. As I get older, I realize the biggest thing you’ve ever thought me is to be afraid. And you’ve done one hell of a job teaching me that. I trusted you when I was young. When you were very impressionable on my life. How stupid of me, a little baby. Your baby.

You only supported me because I was your legal obligation to do so. With that you’d use my brother and I as your own little trophies for OUR accomplishments. You didn’t care what we did as long as you got to brag. The world was yours and everyone had to listen.

You talked so poorly of my mother. You would take her mistakes and twist them. I had to grow up hearing your family shame my mother about how she put them all through hell. She cleaned herself and you couldn’t take it. Teaming up with her mother to tell the world she told me I should kill myself. You dirty bastard. My momma is not perfect but god dammit does she love me.You were always jealous of her, Bubby and I would always talk about how we missed her and would see her. You envied the big hearts she filled in us kids. It took your falling relationship with my stepmother for you to treat me like a human. Boy did that “last long”.

You found a new wife and shortly after my 18th birthday you started treating me as if I never existed. Her son moved in and when I tell you I’d rather would have been shot through the heart than to witness the time, love and effort you gave in just a month, you would think I’m overreacting. Your favoritism of trying to wow your new woman drove me away. It made me move out temporarily so I could catch a breath. I could not handle being a roommate for you instead of your daughter. I left without a word, you showed no interest in me being there. SO yes, I did leave as soon as your niece offered. Then I moved back and you were somewhat of a dad towards me. For a day. You took us all to go see Christmas lights. From that point forward, I could never see my dad for his label, but for his name and character. You sat back and let your fiance talk down to me and treat me poorly. You sat on your ass and let me rot away and mentally become deranged. I didn’t know how low you’d stop until Christmas Day. Y’all played up being upset that I had to depart to my other half’s Christmas Day. But when I had saw the blatant disrespect under that tree I was torn in half. You went out of your way to get the girls matching stockings but when it came to me it was “oh well”. or how empty mine was compared to every single person in the house. Including the infant. Ben’s family topped you by a mile. They did nit get me much but they put thought into it. They took my feelings and issues in and helped me. They provided me with funds for my first home. They told me they loved me. I was so lucky they didn’t go by opening presents one by one because I sobbed. I looked at the love they had given me and realized how little I feel in your life. I don’t care about the presents, I care about your respect to me. All I wanted was to be loved like your new family. That’s all a girl could ask for. Was a deddy to treat her like his little princess again. But no, you gave all that effort to her kids.

When you read this, you’ll probably think this note is just a useless ramble. But no, your “woah is me” moment is next. When you receive this note, it means I am getting married. And you are one of the firsts to know. But do not let this get your hopes up, as you will not be my dad on this day. You have your new daughters to give you that position. My father, from the time I’m writing this to the time I die, will be the man who showed me endless amounts of love before even getting to know me. The man who I consider my dad is Ant. I’ve decided this last Father’s Day and it will forever fill my heart with joy and thaw the cold trauma you forced upon it. You might think he doesn’t have a role in my life, and I think that makes you plain stupid. When you’d neglect support, Ant would support me and love me. He made sure my birthdays weren’t lonely and my life was full of hope. He has shown me what it’s like to have a dad that cares. It has never felt like a chore to share that I love Ant like it does with you. On my special day, before I walk down to my future, I’ll have my first look with him. I’ll hug him and tell him I love him, and he will give me away to my next chapter. I’ll have two sets of vows. My first, telling him how big he has impacted my life and how he will always have a spot in my heart. How I wish I could have called him my dad sooner, and how I’m so thankful for him showing my mother everyday she is loved and cared for. He will have my first dance, he will have his own table with Alishia and my mother., and he will have a beautiful relationship with the start of the worlds ideal dream. You on the other hand, will be lucky if you even get an invitation. And if the kindness in my heart allows that, you have one chance to blow it. One chance to keep, or never see your only baby girl again. You play your cards, and I’ll follow the rules of the game. Don’t get me wrong, I love you. You are my deddy. Your poor judgment of priorities is what lended you this sinkhole in my life. I don’t know what Kody’s thoughts are, but to me, I feel as if you treated him just as horribly. Consider yourself lucky to have your new family.

Farewell,

Jay.

#Lemon8Diary #dad #traumahealingjourney #bpd #yourenotalone #daddyissues