I always tend to problem solve more than I listen.

I have always been more of a problem solver.

My counsellor supervisor used to say that I have an acute sense of observation and sensitive to the needs of others.

I also picked up active listening skills back when I was supporting peers during my university days.

As much as I would love to say I am good at listening, but I personally don't think so.

I always felt like the problem-solving side of myself will always try to dominate my conscious attempts to listen in to people.

Even now, when I am listening to people, I feel like I am always trying to predict what they are trying to tell me.

I am not sure whether it is a habit developed from watching shows/movies, but I realized I have this tendency to try and predict plots, to predict what will happen next. And usually when things are as I predicted, it will be satisfying yet boring. Satisfying because I got it right, but boring because it is the same storytelling pattern.

Furthermore, aside from predicting what people are saying, my mind always has this tendency to generate lots of ideas, things that are relevant to the topic being discussed, relevant things that I want to share, or solutions to the problem that the person is sharing.

It takes quite a good amount of effort for me to control these two systems (the predicting and the idea one). And sometimes because the ideas are so fleeting, if I don’t say it, I might just lose the idea the next moment.

But I have always tried to control myself to focus on the moment, to focus on the person speaking at that very moment. It’s about the other person, it’s not about me. It’s not about me coming up with new ideas to continue the topic, it’s not about me trying to predict or decipher the intention of why the person is talking about this topic, it’s not about me trying to come up with new responses to what the person is talking about, I don’t need to come up with solutions for the other person.

Just listen.

Just listen to the person, Mantou.

My previous go-to method has always been to ask the other person, “Are you looking for a listening ear or a solution?”. And I mostly used it with my ex whenever she wants to rant about things.

I gradually picked up this method because I realized a lot of times, she wasn’t really looking for solutions, but rather just for someone to listen to her.

It worked pretty well.

But like I said above, my brain still has the tendency to want to overwrite the listening process.

Luckily, I recently discovered a way that worked very well for me. After so many years.

If you have been reading my previous posts, you will not find this book unfamiliar: “The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (and Your Children)” written by Philippa Perry.

In brief, there was a part where the book just talked about validating people’s feelings.

Acknowledge people’s feelings.

When someone shares about a sad/bad/negative experience, you might feel like you are making it worse by acknowledging it, but by acknowledging it, you are in fact helping them work through their emotions and so making it better.

Acknowledge their feelings by paraphrasing what they said. Verbalize what you think they might be feeling about their situation.

It requires you to put yourself in their shoes.

Don’t think about what you will DO in their shoes. (solution-oriented)

But think about what or how you will FEEL in their shoes.

When someone says something, they are usually communicating about something, and that something usually conceals an emotion within.

For example, “We never go out.”

This sentence might convey a feeling of boredom, neglect or frustration.

You can make an educated “guess” on the possible emotion the person is feeling:

“You sound bored and fed up.”

Usually when the person replies with a “Yes”, that means you correctly “guessed” what they are feeling.

Even if it’s incorrect, they might tell you what they really feel instead, and you will be able to better understand what they are feeling.

You might have already read or learned about this technique at some point in your life. And as a matter of fact, I did too. But it just never really worked for me, partly because I felt that it sounded contrived or fake.

One of the statements I learned back then was: “I hear that you are feeling sad…”

I don’t know but maybe because I already knew of this technique, so if someone said that to me, I would feel like this person is trying to use some listening technique on me, but I realized maybe it’s just me who thought this way and overcomplicating things.

Anyway, it is always possible to phrase it in a more natural way, as I did above, e.g. “Sounds like you are feeling sad etc…”.

Sometimes it can feel like it is stating the obvious, but I have been practising for weeks now and apparently it has been working really well (or at least that was what I felt). I have been getting a lot of “Yes”es when I echo back people’s feelings.

I am no longer thinking of solutions for people who confide in me and share their problems.

Now, I am just focused on validating their feelings.

I realized it is actually so much “easier”. I no longer have the pressure to “perform”, the pressure to give them the “best” advice or solution. As a matter of fact, I don’t have those perfect solutions either. And sometimes I can feel responsible for them and feel guilty or incompetent for not providing a workable solution.

But actually all I need to do is to do a very simple thing: just validate their feelings. That’s all.

Focus on what they are saying in the conversation. Read between the lines. Search for the emotions within the words communicated.

What are they feeling?

Echo those feelings back to them.

That’s all.

If they didn’t ask for a solution, there is no need to provide one.

Just listen, and echo their feelings.

And after doing that, I realized after my friends poured out their feelings and heard me echo their feelings, they “felt better”. Some of them were then in a better state of mind to start thinking about solutions. And then they started to ask me for advice. Else, they already felt better to tackle their own problems. And we all move on.

When people are in the “feeling”/emotional stage, don’t feed people with solutions like I previously did. Just feel with them. Just be with them. If you are physically with them, sometimes you don’t even need to say anything. Your presence alone is good enough.

Once they are out of that “feeling”/emotional stage and are able to think more logically, then we can tackle the problem at its root, if they wish to. Else it’s perfectly fine. Not everything needs to be solved. At least that’s what I tell myself now. Plus it’s their problem, not mine. Unless they ask for help.

And after doing these for weeks, I feel so much lighter. I no longer feel a strong need to solve people’s problems. No need to give the perfect solution. Just listen in, read between the lines, validate and acknowledge their feelings. Everyone feels better. Move on. Happy ending.

I think a good number of people might already be doing this so that’s great. But if you are a problem-solver like me, you might not be doing this consciously so maybe this would help you out. Try it for yourself and let me know how it goes.

-

#MyLemon8Diary #SocialDiscussion #friends #AdultingWoes #help