I’m the toxic one in the relationship

It’s hard to admit, but you have to be self aware.

I’m toxic and I know it. Not in the way you probably think though. I don’t think he’s cheating, I don’t go through his phone, I don’t barter him with questions about where he’s going, NONE OF IT. You’re probably thinking ok? You don’t sound toxic. WRONG. Here’s what I do and how I’m working to change them.

👀 I start arguments on the daily. I don’t even try too. However my boyfriend and I do have different views on certain topics. Which doesn’t stop us from talking about it, we’re grown. However I always want to have the last word. I never got to share my voice or opinions growing up or really even into adulthood. So I start to yell which leads to arguments. I’ve learned and taught myself that I am being heard, he’s listening to me. But I can not expect him to change his view on everything and that’s okay!!!

👀I’m lazy. Doesn’t seem toxic but when he’s the one bringing the main income and I’m at home? Yes. Because it is. I suffer from mild depression and sever anxiety, so some days I don’t want to get out of bed and he’s very good about those days. But I have to remember, maybe he didn’t want to go to work today. Maybe he didn’t want to get up today either. So if he can do it, why can’t I? It’s about balance. If he’s at 20%, I need to be that 80% and vice versa. It never be 50/50!!!

👀I expect more than I should. “If he wanted too he would” man I hate that. I know he wants to do all these extravagant things for me, but moneys tight. And he can’t fix that. He doesn’t determine bills, unexpected financial problems, etc. Sure I’d love a night out on the town, or a little get away. But I shouldn’t expect that, no one should. Yes we do date night at least once a week so no he’s not not doing anything, he’s doing more than enough!! Honestly it’s really unrealistic. As 21 year olds, we’re growing and learning. I cant expect these things from him.

👀I think the world revolves around ME. No. Never had never will. Sounds kinda like “woah girl chill, the world does revolve around you”. No it doesn’t. It revolves around me AND HIM. It’s our world now, we’re doing this TOGETHER!!!! It’s not just me anymore. When we first started dating over 1.5 years ago, I thought it was just a little summer fling. He wasn’t gonna stay. Well here we are and I still struggle with the fact that I’m not alone anymore. It’s not just him doing him, or me doing me.

Kinda long but it’s very important to be self aware. Don’t go thinking he’s not changing either because we ALL have things to work on. But with good communication, team work, and compassion anything will work. Have faith y’all

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