Sharing My Testimony

A Preacher’s Daughter. Southern Baptist. Born & raised in the South. Baptized at the ripe age of 9. The “good girl.”

I had always loved Jesus, and knew that He loved me back (the Bible tells me so, don’t you know?). But something was wrong: I didn’t feel accepted by Him. I had this itching feeling in the pit of my stomach that I wasn’t good enough to be with Him - which is true, but it was shame talking.

So I tried to be a good little Christian. I put on the act. I tried to have all the right answers. I never got into trouble. I tried, and tried, and tried, and tried. But it was never enough. That itch I was ruthlessly scratching never went away.

I decided after my high school graduation that enough was enough: I WOULD solve this problem - take this walk seriously, like all the other good little Christians. I listened to sermons, read commentaries, really, REALLY tried to repent and be holy. I tried, and tried, and tried, but I was getting tired of all this trying. I wasn’t just tired, but FED UP. Why wasn’t this working?!?!?

It *seemly* worked for all the others - THEIR relationship with Jesus was vibrant and flourishing. “Just pray more, read more, worship more, more, more, more!” Meanwhile I barely wanted to speak to Him. I was livid. I was desperate. I was heartbroken. I felt betrayed and abandoned by God.

I had lost hope of ever being good enough to reach Him. I was out of options, ideas, and opinions. I had heard all the advice in the world about this “Christianity” thing, and nothing helped the itching ache inside. It all just made it worse.

One day, I cried out “WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?”

Silence.

Of course. I wasn’t good enough, haven’t you heard?

I felt disgusting. I was so aware of all the sin patterns in my life I could barely look myself in the mirror. I could hardly speak a kind word about myself without the gnawing feelings of self-hatred threatening to consume me entirely.

Wretched, lost, and hopeless. I didn’t know who I was anymore. I was turning into a monster.

I hated God, hated His rules, and hated feeling scorned by Him for not living up to His expectations. How could I? I’m just me - I’m not perfect!

That’s when I heard it, suddenly, while sobbing on the floor: “You are mine.”

What? Who said that?

“I have swept away your sins like a cloud. I have scattered your offenses like the morning mist. Oh, return to me, for I have paid the price to set you free.””

‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭44‬:‭22‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Who, me? Why me? Don’t You know me? Haven’t You seen what I’ve done?

“But now you have been united with Christ Jesus. Once you were far away from God, but now you have been brought near to him through the blood of Christ.”

‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭2‬:‭13‬ ‭NLT‬‬

But I’m not like the other ones who follow You so well. I betrayed You. I failed you. I don’t know if I can do this.

“Now all glory to God, who is able to keep you from falling away and will bring you with great joy into his glorious presence without a single fault.”

‭‭Jude‬ ‭1‬:‭24‬ ‭NLT‬‬

He spoke to me through Scripture when I was at my lowest place. He reminded me that I was His and that He hadn’t abandoned me, and that He didn’t hate me. He drew me back to Himself. He never stopped pursuing me.

“For the Lord your God is living among you. He is a mighty savior. He will take delight in you with gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.””

‭‭Zephaniah‬ ‭3‬:‭17‬ ‭NLT‬‬

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Friend, I don’t know what stage of life you are in, but wherever you are on this journey, know that Jesus loves you and wants you to return to Him. His mission is reconciliation with God.

“For God was in Christ, reconciling the world to himself, no longer counting people’s sins against them. And he gave us this wonderful message of reconciliation.”

‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭5‬:‭19‬ ‭NLT‬‬

You’ve been bought with a high price. The Father sacrificed His Only Son so that you could be set free.

“For this is how God loved the world: He gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. God sent his Son into the world not to judge the world, but to save the world through him. There is no judgment against anyone who believes in him. But anyone who does not believe in him has already been judged for not believing in God’s one and only Son.”

‭‭John‬ ‭3‬:‭16‬-‭18‬ ‭NLT‬‬

He loves you so much. He doesn’t want anyone to come into judgement, so He came and died for our sins so we wouldn’t have to pay the price ourselves.

We don’t do anything. We simply believe.

“God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it.”

‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭2‬:‭8‬-‭9‬ ‭NLT‬‬

I hope you decide (if you haven’t already) to receive His free gift of salvation He bought for you. It was costly to Him, but freely given to you. You only have to receive it. 🤲💕

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