*suicidal* Post Natal Depression

I have often read about PNDs even before marriage. didn't expect that i would go through it as I had the confidence that I could prevent it with knowledge. but NO.

My baby came out with some problem that needed him to go through a procedure in the OT that he needed to be put on general anaesthesia. that's when like my whole world falls apart. I waited for my precious one for 5 years, and when this happens, it kills me. (Now, when looking back, actually, there are so much more to be thankful for as things could have been worsed)

Throughout the 1st year, I am suicidal. each time passing by the corridor of my residence, my subconscious mind often prompts questions like, "Why not just jump down with baby now?" and many more other crazy thoughts. I was constantly worried about the safety and life of my baby (being the COVID period at that time). I turned to a super bitter person. I was very, very fussy and paranoid.

But I am so lucky. I have so much support from friends and family who are very helpful and understanding. Of course, I also had those who didn't understand and labelled me, but I do not want to talk about them. How did I come out of it? it was really from the support of friends, family, and self-realization. of course, with God's blessing, too. my boy is turning 3, and i got myself back somewhere when he turned 2. I am now waiting for the arrival of my 2nd one.

ps: I was so confident that I do not want a 2nd baby until something changed my mind. I'll share about it in my later posts.

I am open if anyone needs to talk to me. I have gotten so much support before this. it would be an honour if I could do the same for anyone.