advice: should i wait for him??

*disclaimer this is a long read but it paints the full picture

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C and I have known eachother since 8th grade. We were best friends throughout highschool, until we caught feelings for eachother our senior year. It didnt work out because in our sophomore/junior year he tried talking to my bsf at the time. Initially she only liked his personality but she didnt wanna date him or anything and we became a lil trio. It wasnt until he got a gf (who happened to be one of my bsf’s, friends) that she started to like him. My bsf and him had a falling out and stopped being friends, and she moved schools (unrelated to the falling out but important). Senior year rolls around and me and him are getting even closer. We were neighbors so i saw him basically everyday and spent all day w him and our friend group at the time. I kept friend zoning him because i didnt want to break girl code (even though they didnt date, he was involved with my bsf at some point).

Everyone in our f.g would tell me to go for him and that girl code doesnt apply in this situation but i didnt agree fully. It was hard because me and C were more than friends. He made me feel safe, heard, he was my best friend. We laughed together, he knew some of my biggest secrets, I knew not acting on anything would be hard but i didnt wanna lose my bsf or him. I ended up dating someone else to get over him (i was 17 and stupid, i know its dumb) and that hurt him. We had a huge falling out and we didnt talk for almost a year. My bsf at the time also cut me off because she had heard that I had feelings for him and didnt tell her. I had lost both of them and I devastated, but i had to move forward. I spent the rest of my senior year trying to be a better person, getting closer to God, and learning more about myself. Quarantine hits and we “graduate”, getting our diplomas handed to us thru the car window. At some point me and C get back into contact and apologize for the parts we played in us falling out. We agree to be friends and it was amazing. We’d spend all day texting and stay otp for hours just talking about life, our hopes, religion, literally everything. What i loved about him the most was how talkative and passionate he was about literally everything. I started to fall for him all over but again, i told myself he was off limits even tho me and my bsf were no longer friends. I swallowed my feelings and we kept on as we were. I ended up getting into a relationship and we stopped talking as much. I told him about it and i could feel him pulling away, which i understood. On my 18th birthday he sent me flowers even though we werent talking much. My other bsf (i knew her the longest since 8th grade too) at the time would tell me to go for him but she knew my reasons. One time him and I went on a little road trip to visit her new apartment. It took everything in me to not hug him but I wanted to keep things friendly. Our connection was impossible to ignore the entire time. We understood eachother, we loved eachother. It was so obvious but he was respectful, he knew my reasons as well. Time goes on and we lose contact again. It was too hard being so close to him. I also eventually got back with my ex who knew about him. I knew I couldnt have him in my life as much.

Years went by, Im 20 now and I reach out to him thru dms. It was spring time and I was going thru it mentally and he was always someone who uplifted me when i was trying to better myself. He believed in me, he called me resilient. At the time I didnt get why, but I get it now. We start talking a bit, nothing romantic but definitely reminiscent of our past. He had moved to Atlanta with his parents which I was not anticipating. Its like no matter what, the time was never fully right. One night we get on the phone and he basically tells me he thinks were soulmates. If i was being honest with myself, I thought so too. I tell him I feel the same way, that I didnt really want to admit it to anyone but i knew. A couple days pass and this is when things start to shift. I tell him that I know im not in the best place mentally and thats what I wanna focus on mainly. He was in Atl so it didnt even feel like anything could happen at this point. I noticed that he wasnt texting me like he used to. He’d take longer to respond but i understood. He was in a different state, in college, and I had literally just popped back into his life. When id call him, hed go outside to talk even if it was cold. I felt like he was hiding something. I asked if he was talking to anyone and he said he was, but not exclusively to one person. That hurttt. I couldnt blame him tho. We hadnt spoken in almost 2 years and I came back into his life not even considering him talking to someone else. I told him to focus on himself, that its best we dont talk. We lost contact again.

The fall comes around, Im 21 at this point. Im mourning losing C for what feels like the millionth time but I knew it was for the better. He texts me happy thanksgiving which i was not expecting at all. All the feels came rushing back but all my girlfriends were telling me to play it cool. I thanked him and left it at that. I couldnt stop thinking about him after that. All this time, I knew that I loved him but I didnt know if now was the right time. I cave, I text him asking how hes doing and we start talking again. He tells me hes gonna be in our home town soon and if id be open to meeting. I almost exploded with excitement and anxiety. I tell myself not to have too many expectations. That whatever happens, happens. We meet up and its just like old times but better. Were older now, hes lived a life separate from mine and I get to learn about who he is now. We go bowling and hes his usual gentleman self. We have an amazing time. Its all still pretty friendly but the tension is undeniable. He didnt have his car since he came down with his parents so i drive us back to my house. We smoke and talk and look at the stars (i lived right next to a farm so very little light pollution). I knew I loved him even more. I invite him inside so we can watch a movie like old times. We loved mind bending movies and it was never sexual, only intimate. I trusted him fully with my body (which was a first because of past trauma from other men).

Inside, were talking and laughing together. Hes looking around my room. Its completely different from the room he saw when I was 16. He doesnt sit on the bed until I tell him he can which I loved. Were laying down just talking as we usually do and all i want to do is kiss him. At some point we get into a playful banter about our feelings for eachother. Hes egging me on pretending he doesnt know how I feel. He keeps telling me to explain myself and Im at a loss for words. Im standing infront of him and hes sitting on the edge of the bed with his arms wrapped around my waist (the most touching we have done in like 3 years). My arms are around his neck and hes looking at me with so much intensity. I know what hes thinking. I couldnt help myself. I kiss him. In that moment I felt like his lips were genuinely meant for mine (cringe ik but its true). It was euphoric. I wanted to explode. At some point I thought I heard him whisper “I love you” but i brushed it off. I thought there was no way hed say that. It wasnt until he said it again and louder that I knew. I told him I loved him too.

I let him stay the night and we cuddle, eat, and watch a movie until we fall asleep (for religious reasons Im saving myself for marriage, which he has known for years) . In the morning I have to sneak him out. We spend a day apart but we text the entire time. I start to feel sick all of a sudden, im running a fever and everything. My mom tells me i should go to urgent care but Im the eldest, my youngest sibling was 3 at the time so she had her hands full. I ask him if he can take me since hes about 10 mins away staying w his sister. He even takes his sisters old car that barely works just so he could come. After urgent care we sit in the car and talk about the future. Were on the exact same page. We knew we wanted a life together. It felt like a dream. He invites me to his sisters house to see his family again. Theyve always loved me and I hadnt seen them in years. We have a great time, and he comes back home with me. It was that night that we made things official, we wanted to be in a relationship. It was gonna have to be long distance but he said he was up for it. He goes back to Atl with his parents a couple days after and he tells me hell see me soon. I was sad but I was so happy to finally be with him. The next few months were great, not easy but I was happy. The main issues we had were with his communication. Some weeks he was attentive and great at texting back and other weeks were bad. I came to stay w him for spring break and we had an amazing time. We fought a bit but we were able to get past it. He was so reassuring and understanding.

In April, we get into our first big fight over politics. I felt like with me being muslim and him not really following any religion, our viewpoints were too different. He liked to play devils advocate and in the process he offended me deeply. I had never felt different from him until this fight. His ego got in the way and he wasn’t interested in making things right, we both said some hurtful things to eachother in the heat of the moment. i ended things w him based on differences in values. it didnt feel real. I couldnt understand why someone so understanding was all of a sudden so nonchalant, his ego was in the way. I turn 22 and he does wish me happy birthday. A month or so goes by and he texts me asking if id be open to meeting up with him, he was back in town. I think about it and agree, I missed him so much. We go on a walk, talking and catching up. The sun goes down and we walk back to his sisters apt complex. We find this patio/seating area and keep talking. He brings up the reason we broke up and I start to get nervous. It starts to rain and we move to a seating area that protects us from the rain. He starts telling me how he reflected on the situation and he doesnt agree with anything he said, that he was in the wrong. He realized his ego was in the way and hes learned from it. We have a heart to heart about the things we said to eachother, both taking accountability. He tells me feels like no matter how many times we lose eachother, he knows that there will come a time when we wont. We’ll just be. I knew I wanted to spend my life with him.

C tells me he thinks its worth trying again, and I tell him I want to think about it. During our time apart i realized how hard l.d was on our relationship. He wasnt the best at texting and calling when he was suppose to. He goes back to atl and were kinda left in limbo. He gets his first big interview and he gets super busy. He was texting once a day at most some days, calling even less. We have a conversation about our relationship n we agree that long distance is taking a toll on us. He tells me he wont be in atl forever, were both graduating this may. I ask him if he wants me to wait for him and he doesnt say yes or no. He tells me hes afraid he cant be who i need him to be at this time and that ill end up leaving him before we make it past this time of our lives. I reassure him a bit but thats what eventually leads to us falling out again. He told me he would work on his texting/calling but it doesnt change. We went days without calling, each time hed promise to but would fake. He’d text me once a day and I stopped putting in effort. He wasnt gonna change. I was so hurt, I felt like i grieved him, forgave him, just to lose him again. In the heat of the moment I end things with him and block his number. I unfollow him on everything and try to move on.

Present day: I unblocked his number, realizing how rash of a decision that was. I was just hurt. we still dont follow eachother but we were kinda able to leave things off better. He told me he hopes he sees me again, which crushed me. It made me feel like there was still hope for us. Yesterday he liked one of my tweets from 3 days ago that he knew was about him. I was so embarrassed but it felt good to know that he was checking my socials. I have no idea what to do. This is the only man i ever truly loved. We have so much history and I want to be with him. Its just so hard with him being away. Im afraid to text him, he takes forever to respond. Ive tried to move on but in the end i always end up wanting him. Should i wait until May then text him? I feel like thats unfair to me, why should i wait for him to be who i need him to be? Should i move on? Any input would help❤️

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#advice #relationship #longdistancerelationship #ex