what i learnt about friendships ✨

recently a lemon8er commented about her friendship breakup (nooooo!! that sucks) and it inspired me to write this post…

i have had 4 fs problems last year and also had a pretty bad fs breakup a few years ago :( and i guess coming to uni and undergoing a transition in phase in life has also prompted me to think more about fs and i wld love to share my thougjts!!

CHAPTER 1: MAKING FRIENDS

it is counterintuitive but PLEASE be okay with having NO FRIENDS!! dont force urself in circles u dont belong and feel at ease with solitude! ik this is certainly easier said than done tho, we all crave social interactions! but imo, the more u reveal the need for it, it may potentially drive people away! being comfortable with urself is the first step to enabling other ppl to be comfortable with u! (if that make sense)

next, i read somewhere that the basis of every relationship (fs included) is an exchange of VALUE. ik this sounds vv transactional but trust it isnt. it can come in the form of emotional value, when someone is there to support u through ur tough times. or simply be a listening ear when u need it. but more than that, i find it important to increase ur value as it can facilitate the formation of friendships, so that u are in a better position to contribute meaningful to the fs (be it being a more empathetic friend, an inspiring figure, being good in acads so that u can help ur friend and so on)

Somehow sometimes we forget that fs takes time to build! theres smth called the “exposure effect” which states that ur likeability increases as u see someone more often! we are all drawn to more familiar faces. i felt it this year HHAAHA

for context i live on campus but im quite shy in person so i dont really go out of my way to say hi and start small talks with people. but after loitering around the campus for the past one year and seeing the same old faces at dining hall, i naturally become acquaintances with people and start having small talks! this is the first step towards forging fs!

but yea trust and fs takes time to build so dont get disheartened on ur journey of making friends! just be urself and be open to meeting new ppl!

CHAPTER 2: MAINTAINING FS

i have to admit that it is getting harder since entering uni / ns… i miss my old friends but we r scattered all around the globe / sg and it becomes difficult to align our timings to meet

but just remember to always make an effort to maintain! perhaps during sch holidays, jus be bold and drop them a text, “hey how are you? wanna catch up some day?”

tbh its harder to make genuine friendships than to maintain old ones, so make sure u keep those precious ones!

another tip to make it less awks is always to remember their bdays and wish them! at least talk to them once a year HAHHAHA but if its ur ex / ex-situationship, please do not HAPPY BDAY ur way back into their lives 😞✋

and if they have social media / let u into their spam, even better! simply like or reply to their stories! there are some ppl i literally dont talk to anymore but i jus reply and ask where the cafe they posted was! and she replied my story about the gym i go to HAHAHA i mean—- better than nth?

emotional deposits

CHAPTER 3: FS PROBLEMS

i wld like to posit that im quite a chill unproblematic friend, but i ran into 3 or 4 fs problems last year?! it was rllly rlly hard….

one impt thing is to recognise that everyone is evolving, and yalls paths and life goals may not be aligned…. it hurts but sometimes u jus gotta let them go… or work it out if possible!

to decide whether to pack up and leave or talk it out, i use one principle: the concept of emotional deposits (i learnt this from 7 habits!)

basically in a fs, when u do smth good for each other, u will be depositing a certain amount in the emotional bank thay forms the basis of ur fs. when ur friend pisses u off or hurt u, u deduct a certain amount from the bank. these amounts are simply arbitrary terms.

the idea is that if the amount in the “bank” is below the threshold, its time to let gooooo!! it happened to me actl, i had this RLLY good friend and we wld talk EVERY single day through our JC 2…. but after entering ns he became so toxic 😢👎 and says the most insensitive and toxic stuff that i rlly cldnt take it anymore so… ig we cant be friends!

but there were three occasions that my friends and i talked it out! one of the three incidents i actl got confronted HAHAHHA HELP but it was actl a misunderstanding cuz my brain wasnt braining so i slipped up and my friend misinterpreted my words… thankfully it turned out fine and we reconciled the next day!

the other two occasions… i misconstrued my friends intentions! i mean im usually chill and harmonious but when it comes to hurting my feelings, i dont shy away from expressing how i feel! rather than jus hating on them internally or distancing without reason! i find it impt to be able to know why the fs didnt work out or why is the other party acting weirdly bcoz ive been ghosted by another very good friend before! and it hurt so bad not knowing why the sudden change of attitude!

when it comes to talking things out, here are some of my tips!

use “I” statements, all the timeee! things may just be a misunderstanding so dont guess their point of view! after all, we r not mindreaders and its rude to presume too much, unless it is so obvious and there are no other explanations for a particular action.

i wld always say “tbh, i felt a little hurt when u said… / did…”

the first part is telling them how i feel about their actions (which is an objective fact)! this is less accusatory and easier to be accepted. dont phrase it as “u shouldnt have said that, u are so mean for doing that…”

and also, if u r on the receiving end of such messages, PLEASE REPLY ASAP and dont leave them hanging okay!! feelings need to be addressed asap!

hope things work out! sometimes conflicts are needed to make a fs stronger so dont worry too much abt it!

PROLOGUE:

adult fs sure is different and much more difficult to navigate… but alw rmb that the key ingredients for fs are:

SINCERITY

GENUINE CARE AND CURIOSITY

hope this helps!

#friendship #friendsconflict #makingfriends #fsproblems #fstips #maintainingfs