Losing My Job And Myself

𝐻𝑒𝑦 𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑟𝑒! 𝐼’𝑚 𝐾𝑖𝑚, 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑤𝑒𝑙𝑐𝑜𝑚𝑒 𝑡𝑜 𝑚𝑦 𝑙𝑖𝑡𝑡𝑙𝑒 𝑐𝑜𝑟𝑛𝑒𝑟. 𝑆𝑡𝑖𝑐𝑘 𝑎𝑟𝑜𝑢𝑛𝑑 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑡𝑖𝑝𝑠 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑠𝑡𝑜𝑟𝑖𝑒𝑠 𝑜𝑛 𝑠𝑘𝑖𝑛𝑐𝑎𝑟𝑒, 𝑝𝑒𝑟𝑠𝑜𝑛𝑎𝑙 𝑔𝑟𝑜𝑤𝑡ℎ, 𝑔𝑟𝑒𝑎𝑡 𝑒𝑎𝑡𝑠, 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑡𝑟𝑎𝑣𝑒𝑙𝑠!

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I have two very distinct memories of my childhood, probably when I was about 3 years old.

One is of me sleeping beside my mum on a random afternoon. I open my eyes and smile at my mum while she caresses my hair and tells me to go back to sleep.

Another memory is when I'm about 4 or 5, my mum is introducing me to math, and then she says quiety, something like "I don't think you're interested in this, go and play then."

I remember the feeling of how her usual "go and play" feels off, because I went to my toy box and picked up a red pitcher to 'play' with it, but I felt uneasy. My mum comes in and finds me 'playing' she takes the 'cane' from the goddamn MacDonald's balloon and beats me in frustration. I cry, and through my blurry vision, my mum's face cracks and she starts crying too.

I didn't realise it then, but I think that day was the day I stopped being the child my parents could be proud of. It no longer mattered if I could eat chilli, tie my own shoelaces, or prefer water to coke. The KPIs have shifted the moment I was old enough for school.

At 11, my parents and teachers sent me for a series of tests, eventually diagnosing me with ADHD. To me, I was just glad that I didn't have to feel entirely responsible for the shame I brought to my parents.

My first corporate job was as a copywriter specialising in radio commercials. It was a struggle. My weak attention to detail made my writing clumsy and full of grammatical errors. But my boss believed in me and showed me the value of slowing down and taking the time to double and triple check my work. One year later, I was thriving.

Work then became a huge part of my identity. It was easy to shine. Just keep putting your hand up, solve problems, ensure everyone is happy.

I rarely take leave from work. I usually burn it or carry it over because I never felt the need to rest. Until now. I'm burnt out and tired. I want a break but I also feel restless. I realise a lot of my self-confidence has been defined by my job title, salary, and experience. Without a job, I am nothing.

I realise the unhealthy attachment, and writing this also made me realise where it all stems from. As a reminder to myself and my inner child, I'd like to say:

You're safe. You've done good. And I'm sure mummy, papa, and definitely me are all proud of you. You deserve this break, and you should rest. Keep being yourself, and you'll reach your next destination soon. 🥰