Unmarried And Pregnant: Some Practical Advice!

(Disclaimers:

-This is a judgment free zone!

-I am NOT a lawyer. I encourage anyone considering taking this advice to double check their own situation with a legal professional. 🤍

-I live in California in the U.S., other states may have different guidelines and resources available.

-In case of DOMESTIC VIOLENCE: see bottom of post!!)

I am a “never married” single mom to two kids. Here’s the BIGGEST PIECE OF ADVICE I wish I’d listened to, for UNMARRIED moms currently in a relationship with their child(ren)’s father:

‼️ File A Simple, Mutually Agreed Custody Agreement BEFORE A Breakup (even if you don’t think you ever WILL break up!).‼️

When two people are married, a 50/50 standard for custody is built into that legal status if the two of you decide to split… even before you file for divorce.

When you aren’t married but share a child, no standard exists!

Either parent has free rights to take the child anywhere, at any time, without the other parent’s consent.

This can get scary and cause serious damage to your coparenting relationship right from the start, if you’ve just broken up and one or both parents are making decisions from an emotional and irrational place.

(OR, even scarier, if domestic violence is occurring in the relationship and you are attempting to leave an unsafe situation with your child. Contact a DV shelter and speak with a legal advocate (regardless of marital status) if this applies to your situation!!!)

Filing a mutually agreed upon custody agreement, as an unmarried couple, is meant to protect everyone’s interests- but most importantly, it can also protect your child from unnecessary chaos.

My best advice:

🤍 go to your local courthouse and ask to meet as a couple with a self help attorney, if one is available.

🤍 Learn about the process of filing a MUTUAL CUSTODY AGREEMENT for your child.

🤍 ask LOTS of questions about any risks or concerns you may have, as well as specifics regarding your own situation.

You can also meet with a self help attorney at any time, alone, to learn more about your rights.

🌸

Questions I encourage you and your partner to ask yourselves (imagining, if the two of you suddenly broke up tomorrow):

❓What temporary circumstances would be in the child’s best interest, until we’ve had time to settle our separation and figure out what we really want?

❓Which parent would be moving out of our shared residence and which parent would be staying? (Maybe the parent staying in the home should hold primary physical custody until the other parent has a stable housing situation?)

❓Are there any ground rules or boundaries you can foresee being an issue (specifically in the first six months after a breakup) that you feel are important enough to put in writing?

Custody orders can be as detailed or simple as the two of you want.

Keeping it simple can establish baseline rights and responsibilities for each parent (think; first six months after separating) and you can always file to amend your custody order later.

Remember: you will only ever go to family court and appear in front of a judge if you and your child’s other parent CANNOT AGREE on custody, either on your own or in mediation.

If you and your partner feel that family court is not something you want to deal with in the future, these conversations are an important safeguard.

🌸

The mutual respect and caring you (hopefully) share with your partner NOW, as well as putting your child’s needs first, will be your most valuable tool in writing a mutually agreed upon custody agreement.

If I had been able to do this with my ex, we BOTH would have been protected from so many issues surrounding custody in those confusing and hard early months after our separation.

‼️ I’d also like to state: if any kind of domestic violence is occurring in your relationship, meet with a domestic violence shelter legal advocate PRIOR TO ATTEMPTED SEPARATION, and do lots of additional research before even attempting to file for custody! Most importantly, hang in there and stay safe- I’ve been there.

Any questions? Has anyone tried this?

#embracevulnerability #singlemomlife #Lemon8Diary #pregnant #pregnantlife #baby #toddler #momlife #motherhood #motherhoodunfiltered