Coping with Schizophrenia as a mother of 2

#lemon8diarychallenge

Sometimes I have a hard time describing what schizophrenia feels like, because more than likely all of you have felt these symptoms to some extent. I dream of a reality where schizophrenia is simply hearing and seeing things that aren’t there, because that is truly the easiest part to cope with. After a while you begin to understand what’s real or not, what’s tangible or imaginary, and they become nothing more than an inconvenience at times.

The worst part? The fear. The paranoia. The things normal people feel. The issue is that these feelings do not end for me. There is not a breath of relief I can take from logically thinking through my problems. If I have an inkling that something is wrong… it will worm its way into my brain and create a self fulfilling prophecy, destroying everything in its path as I more willingly cling to the idea of being right more than being truly safe.

My brain doesn’t have fleeting thoughts, everything sticks to it like a ball of double sided tape rolling down a hill, collecting more and more things to be worried about.

This truly didn’t reach fruition until I became a mother, but I assured myself, “this is postpartum, it WILL end eventually”. And it didn’t. All the irrational fears I had about my children, people kidnapping them, people killing them, and much much worse project themselves into my brain like a movie, I can see it. I can see everything that puts me into a nauseous state of fear. I beg, and I ask, why do I have to live a life where I see these images constantly? It is plain torture.

I did not lay down and take it though. I began thinking of my schizophrenia like a monster, something I can fight and combat with practice and clinging on to what sensibilities I have left. I took my health into my hands, no more ANYTHING that could negatively influence my thoughts. I majorly cut caffeine, I cut alcohol, I stopped watching horror movies and true crime, and I began to see a light at the end of the tunnel as life was becoming almost normal.

Then disaster struck. I began dealing with body image issues that affected every aspect of my life. I felt… gigantic, hulking, just disgusting. Every image I saw of myself simply made me want to die. This had come out of nowhere, and the physical sensations along with the visual hallucinations about my body made me snap. I became panicked and agitated from the moment I woke up to the moment I went to bed. I, once again, could not put up with this. Life no longer felt like living.

My husband did some research for me, as he was as desperate as I was to get back to normal. He found a type of psychedelic therapy that utilized ketamine. I was doubtful and fearful it would make me worse, after all, I thought any and all substances would negatively impact my brain.

After 3 weeks of steady ketamine therapy, I feel alive again. I still have negative thoughts but now I have the conscious effort to actually tell myself “no, that’s not reality”. I feel as if my life was wasted up until this point knowing I could’ve been feeling like this all along. This is not an advertisement to tell anyone to take this, it’s something that has to be seriously pondered and administered in a safe environment. But I simply cannot believe how much better things have gotten.

Anyways, that’s my journey so far. I hope that my lowest lows are behind me, but I’m trying to be realistic and still prepare myself for the worst.

#mentalhealth #trauma #schizophrenia #therapy