I’m Struggling w/ Liam Payne’s Passing

DISCLAIMER:

I haven’t supported Liam in the past couple of years due to his behavior in regard to things he has said about the boys, as well as the abuse allegations from his previous relationship. With that being said, you can still mourn his death while also holding him accountable. If you’re a directioner like me, you understand it’s the loss of a member that has been in your life for so long, especially because I grew up with them in my life. I also want to take a moment to say that Maya Henry deserves no hate whatsoever and his death is not her fault.

I’ve been a directioner since 2012. I was 12, almost 13 when I discovered them. They have been such a big part of my life and they were there for me through extremely dark times. I thought the hiatus was bad, but damn, I never thought I’d see the day that one of them would pass. I thought I’d be so much older.

I caught myself riding the hate train. I hated who he had become, it’s like I could barely recognize him. Was it the substance abuse? The trauma from being in the world’s biggest boyband? Fame will change you. But so will drugs, alcohol, and poor mental health. Unfortunately, Liam succumbed to it.

I hate myself every day for all the mean things I said about him. Calling him a flop, making fun of his Strip That Down dance. But there’s no way I could support him after I heard the allegations. It was sickening to hear it all, I truly felt like the Liam from One Direction and the Liam now were two completely different people.

He has been in my life for 12 years and I turned my back on him. It’s confusing, it’s disheartening. Maybe that’s what I get for putting them on a pedestal. If you had told teenage-me that one of them would end up turning into a completely different person and pass away in their early adulthood, I’d refuse to believe it. They were supposed to be with me forever.

I didn’t want Liam to die, I just wanted him held accountable. I believe the victims first unless proven otherwise, and I wanted Maya Henry to get justice. I wanted Liam to get the help that he so desperately needed, instead, he lost his life. People on Tiktok keep asking me, ”are you happy now?” because I commented how disgusting it was seeing the amount people defending him and still supporting him.

Am I happy? Of course not! I wanted him held accountable! I wanted him to change! I never wanted him to lose his life! And the fact he died thinking everyone hated him makes me sick. I didn’t actually hate him, I always loved him deep down. I hated who he became and it makes me sick thinking about it every day.

I truly feel like I have lost a part of me, and I haven’t felt that way since my Meemaw died. I hate it. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye, I didn’t want to say goodbye. I’ll always love him because he and the boys have been so vital to my life.

The last slide is a solo dm I had with him on twitter, and I think that’s the last nice thing I had said about him / to him. I’ll forever be grateful for him, even though things took a turn for the worst.

#safespace #lemon8challenge