From the worst experience of my life to now

My brother died on May 24th and a few weeks later my grandpa died. Let's back up. Before my brother, we had 3 deaths, and 5 1/2 years ago my mother died. I've been depressed and I'm tired of faking like everything is gonna be okay because the moment I start to try and be better, more tragedy happens.

Who wants to keep going after that?

The only reason I don't commit suicide

AGAIN is because of my daughter, that's it. And I promise, if her dad didn't suck, even that wouldn't hold me here. You know, it actually makes me mad that I'm trapped and can't even have the choice to end my own suffering!

You will read this and say, "Well, why don't you ask for help?" and you know what I will say: old Silina would never. But this new made-up Silina who thinks things have changed in this world could, so I tried. I asked my job if I could work remotely-my job is emails and phones; I can be home and do that-but nope, my mental health is not a physical limitation, so no help there. My therapist is currently on vacation and and I don't want to talk to any humans at the moment! I will NEVER ask for help ever again in my life. The moment I tried, I felt like I got laughed at. Like I'm asking you to be home to work because I have had noooooooo break since I started this job. I've done everything to accommodate it, but the one time I need something-the most important thing-| get told no. But I can take therapy sessions at work. That is a joke to me. I be in my sessions crying and pouring it out. Why the hell would I want to come back to work after a session, back to this cold-ass desk and be in the same triggering environment?

So, I'm depressed and I give up. I'm not gonna kill myself because I don't have that option, but I'm pretty much done with life. Fake ambition and motivation when I'm met with nothing but tragedy.

I'm good. At least when I give up, I'll be left alone! Lemon 8 is a safe space for me. I don't know anyone here and no one knows me to annoy me with fake calls and texts like they care because they feel some obligation. I just want to pour out because I'm not talking to anyone-not my husband, not my friends, and definitely not my job anymore. I'm done. #Lemon8Diary #depression