extra-special taylor swift songs :’)

SOON YOU’LL GET BETTER

“Holy orange bottles, each night I pray to you.”

I listened to this song on repeat after my first stay in the psych ward.

“I know I’ll never get it, there’s not a day that I won’t try.”

I would give SO MUCH for someone to try this hard to understand what being mentally sick is like for me.

SAY DON’T GO

This is something I hate to admit I relate to: leaving or pulling away while desperately hoping the other person will tell me not to, or just to see if I’m actually wanted. Very BPD-coded.

(and obviously something I work not to do, BUT the point is that i relate to what she’s talking about 😅)

GUILTY AS SIN

I listened to this song on repeat when I started talking to the last girl I fell in love with. We both have BPD and everyone in my life disapproved of us together— she’d also just broken up with her boyfriend earlier that week, partially because of me. Part of me felt really really guilty, but I couldn’t get her out of my head.

LOML

“Are they secondhand embarassed that I can’t get get out of bed cause something counterfeit’s dead?”

My most recent visit to the psychiatric ward happened after a couple of relationships blew up in my face. I felt like the people in these relationships didn’t really care about me, and that it was “counterfeit” and it’d only felt real to me. I had a talk with my counselor on the psych ward about this song, quoting this specific line. His response was that “even counterfeit lives need to be grieved.”

YOU’RE LOSING ME

This song was first leaked near the end of my two-year relationship with my ex-boyfriend (the longest, healthiest, kindest, and overall best relationship I’d ever had). I thought I was going to marry him. He would look at engagement rings. We talked about our future and our marriage. I had a wedding dress. We really loved each other and it was hard to let go of. I wasn’t able to acknowledge that the relationship was ending yet, but I would listen to this song over and over, relating to it more than I wanted to admit.

THE BOLTER

“Excellent fun til you get to know her.”

So many people like me at first. I’m good at getting along and charming people. But so few actually stick around once they get close enough to experience my attachment issues, mental illness, etc., firsthand.

“As she was leaving, it felt like breathing.”

I also get anxious being close with people. I have Relationship OCD and BPD, so I have a tendency to pull away from people once there’s finally a sense of calm or normalcy to the relationship.

THE ARCHER

“Who could ever leave me, darling? But who could stay?”

I FEEL THIS SO DEEPLY. I’m passionate and so loving and caring when I love somebody… but I’m also mentally unstable and difficult and as impossible to be around as I am impossible to turn away from. Part of me can’t understand how people would leave me, when I love them so, so deeply and do so much for them. Another part of me can’t imagine anyone choosing to stay around through all of the hard parts.

“All of my heroes died all alone / help me hold onto you.”

“All of my enemies started out friends / help me hold onto you.”

WHO’S AFRAID OF LITTLE OLD ME?

“I was tame, I was gentle, til the circus life made me mean.”

“You caged me and then you called me crazy.”

“You wouldn’t last an hour in the asylum where they raised me.”

As someone with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) this song hits close to home. I often feel like people trigger my BPD, then call me crazy for it. Not to mention that BPD is caused by trauma- I wasn’t always like this: I became this way because of the way I was treated by people and the things I faced growing up.

BLANK SPACE

“You look like my next mistake.”

“I’m dying to see how this one ends.”

“You can tell me when it’s over if the high was worth the pain.”

I’ve seen people saying this song is satire, but that’s not how it feels to me. It feels like BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) to me. We have unstable relationships that have really high highs and really low lows.

“Screaming, crying, perfect storms.”

I also tend to romanticize these lows more than I should, so… perfect storms it is.

#taylorswift #taylor swift #lemon8diarychallenge #lemon8diary #swiftie