My experience with FACEBOOK Dating so far…

Like many of you, I'm tired of dating apps. I've tried plenty—Tinder, Hinge, Bumble, Cupid, and others. It's crucial to note, however, that while I was using these apps, I wasn't truly ready to date or doing so for the right reasons.

I didn't really know or understand who I was or what I wanted in a partner. I was dating from trauma and I was dating from a space of lack and a low sense of self-esteem.

Now that I'm in my 30s, I'm tired (in a good way!)! The fact that I can't settle for less just means that I'm not supposed to. The fact that I ask for more out of my partners means that I deserve someone who wants to give more, and of course let me give to them in return.

I don't know if the apps were so much the issue as was my discernment. There were so many times I should have said no to dates with individuals who were not only showing red flags but might as well have had a blazing 🚨 alarm on their head with a megaphone speaker yelling "DO NOT DATE ME, I WILL TRAUMATIZE YOU FOR MORE THAN IT'S WORTH," but I guess that's what I found the most appealing and attractive at the time.

Now that I have a better sense of who I am, what I want, and what I deserve, I'm ready to step back out there. Will it be perfect? No. But luckily I have the Lemon8 community to hold me accountable 😉

For whichever reason, I've decided to start my journey back in the dating world with Facebook of all places. The reason being:

I can see our mutuals.

Seeing that we know the same people and how we know them has been a great indicator of what someone is like. For example, if we are friends with a lot of people from my hometown, chances are you're from there too.

Or, if we have a lot of theatre friends in common, chances are you're an actor like me or you work in the artistic industry. Having those mutuals in common is super helpful not just for getting to know someone but for vetting. I've yet to reach out to any of my matches' mutuals, but if I do get to a place where maybe things are getting more serious, I do have the option.

So far, I've met some nice people. I will say, there was one I had to block already on day 1. I don't want this to sound like the Facebook dating pool is full of bad fish—but I will say that for myself, I have to enforce strict boundaries when it comes to discernment and my desires. I've let my dating choices really steer my whole life in the wrong direction before, and if I'm really going to respect myself, I have to cut out any red flags as soon as they present themselves. Physically… he was my TYPE. But let's start with the list of red flags I saw, starting at #1 …

1. He did not have what he was looking for in his bio.

When you are first setting up the profile, Facebook gives you the option to list all of the different sorts of relationships that you're looking for, like "casual," "looking for a serious relationship," "new friends," etc. Most of the profiles I saw had them, and when you make your own, you can even specify how important it is for you that you are looking for someone who wants the same things. Granted, they will still show you people who are not looking for the same things. But his was missing, which to me wasn't a good sign 🚩

2. He was asking for full body pictures on day one.

No one likes to get catfished, I get it… And I don't knock anyone for having a type that they prefer… but full body pics on day 1? Really?? Just to clarify, he didn't ask for any unclothed pictures. But can't we just chat a bit more, maybe ask for a pic on day 3, or even better, wait to see me on our date!! 🚩

3. After he got my contact information, he blocked/deleted me from Facebook.

I don't think I need to go into detail as to why this is 🚩

There are a few other reasons why I eventually had to block that I will spare the details of. But man, he was my TYPE, and cutting it off was hard because to be fully vulnerable and transparent, I am a physical girl who likes physical partner activities! And while I love and honor that side of myself, I would rather she thrive in the conditions of a safe and loving relationship with someone who deserves her rather than some guy who doesn't share the same intentions or values.

I know I'm not making Facebook dating sound desirable, but I have some good news… I have a date next week 💚 He definitely checked off a lot of boxes so far in what I'm looking for.

1. We're looking for the same things.

I decided to only stick to matching with people who have what they're looking for in their bios and who clarify again in conversation. The term "wasting my time" has never been more real than now in my 30s. Time truly is money, it's energy, it's mental health, it's everything! I still believe that I'm young, but I believe that my youth as of right now is not something that can be wasted. I want to build a life with someone while I'm still young and have the time and energy to do so. ✅

1. He asks me a lot of questions to get to know who I am as a person.

So far, the conversation has been great, and he asks me a lot of questions, which definitely lets me know he's vetting me as much as I'm vetting him. You can hook up with anyone, but he's taking his dating life seriously, which is important. ✅

1. He planned the date.

I am a planner and an organizer when I have to be, but I LOVE the fact that I didn't have to choose where we meet, what time, what we're doing, etc. I love the idea of being shown a place for the first time or taught something new. It makes me feel like I have more to look forward to just by dating you.

Again, I don't want to go into too much detail because this is a first date and I'm still getting to know these men. I'm taking each connection with a grain of salt. While I'm trying to stay open to positive connections, I'm also being careful to only remain available for what I truly want and deserve. It's about finding that balance between optimism and self-respect in the dating world.

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