Here’s a back story! (Being Vulnerable)

‼️TRIGGER WARNING ‼️ (I will be mentioning self harming so if that’s a trigger for you please scroll on past this post.)

Okay so a little back story behind these messages. I’m finally going through my pictures on my phone and deleting a lot of old ones and unnecessary ones.

As I was going thru I came across a lot of text messages between me and this guy who I was in love with. The messages are from 2016. So a long time ago and I’m finally letting go off that situationship. So I figure it’s time to delete the messages and pictures of him I still have in my phone.

Honestly I never truly gotten closer from this relationship in my life. He just ghosted me and yes I would text back to back without receiving a response (I was a double texter). My messages had switched from blue to green and then I finally just told myself he don’t mess with you no more stop being so desperate and texting without receiving a response. I no longer text him (I don’t even have his number anymore). I did try and reach out to him the begging of this year or last year on Facebook because he was in one of my dreams and I just wanted to know if he was good but it went unanswered so I haven’t tried to reach out to him since. Time to let go off what used to be to make room for what’s to come.

Anyways, I just wanted to share these messages because they touch on something I don’t share with too many people.

Back when I was in high school I used to self harm. My self harm was cutting my wrists with a box cutter. I had home issues and I was being picked on in school too for being plus sized and having “black people hair” (nappy/thick hair). So I’d cry in my room alone and I’d get the box cutter and go at it. That numbed the pain for the moment but the home issues and verbal bullying at school was still going on.

At the time during it I was friends with this guy whose messages are in the post. Yeah we used to flirt heavy and talk all the time. That I eventually fell in love with him. I never told him that I was in love with him though. These messages just reminded me of why I was in love with him. He was sweet and there for me thru some of the most trying times of my life. And I was there for him too thru some of his hard times.

I guess in a way I would’ve called him my bestie.

But boy did I have it bad for this guy. Like I’m not a phone talker at all. I’ll look at my phone ringing in my hand and wait a few minutes after the call to send a text (I even do it to family too sometimes) like no matter who you are I’ll text I won’t talk on the phone but with him I used to talk on the phone for hrs on hrs. Shitt even when I was at work I’ll answer his call and talk for bout 30 mins before going back to work. At the time I was working at Little Caesars and my bitch of a new boss would only let me wash dishes and take out the trash 🙄😒. That’s a story for another time if Yal wanna hear that story I’ll do a post about my 4 months of working at Little Caesars. God don’t play about me because about a month after I quit that GM was fired. Again that’s a story for another day.

I used to battle with my mental health a lot and still do. I don’t self harm anymore tho last time I did was back in like 2019 or 2020/2021ish I believe.

I’m so glad God has always been there for me and has delivered me from self harm.

God is so good and has held me through a lot of crazy storms. I literally wouldn’t be here today if it weren’t for Jesus.

But this guy being there for me during one of my dark periods and letting me know he was always there was a blessing. I’m grateful to had someone like this guy in my life even though he just up and ghosted me one day haven’t talked to him since 2021. It hurts but it’s time I let go so I’m deleting the screenshots of some of our messages and the pictures of him out my phone. Time to finally close this chapter with him and understand I won’t ever get the closer of why he just ghosted me or he’ll never know I was in love with him. (He wasn’t my first love he was my second love.) Dude was really there for me at my lowest when I ain’t have no one I talked to him about me contemplating suicide and more every time I reached out to be talked of the ledge he would answer my messages and tell me some real shitt that I needed to hear not just what I wanted to hear. I’m forever thankful to him for keeping it real with me even though we don’t talk today. I knew him for a decade. Anyways I just wanted to be vulnerable for a brief moment on here.

That’s something I love about Lemon8. The fact that I feel safe to be completely vulnerable and share touchy and deep things on here with others. Thank you Lemon8 for being a safe place for me to be vulnerable and share personal things here. I would never post anything this personal or vulnerable on any of my other social media platforms.

Lemon8 is where my community is and I love it here.

#vulerability #sharingpersonalstories #lemon8