Grief Update

Hi all,

I come to lemon8 every few weeks and see the enormous support you all have sent me. I cannot put into words how much it means to me. I thought it was time to give you a little grief update.

In March after my dad passed the world was so grey. There’s not another word to describe it. I was a zombie for many months and honestly just struggled to do the everyday. For several weeks any rain made me cry- it felt like dad was sad and it broke me.

In May I found out I didn’t pass either of my nursing classes. I was devastated. It just felt like one more thing, and the only person I wanted to call was my dad.

The first photo is from May. My boyfriend started setting up a hammock for me several days a week just so I could get out of bed and see the sun. I would often take long naps in the sun and it was some of the best sleep I had at the beginning of my grief journey.

In June I started seeing a grief therapist. He made me feel less crazy for my immense grief. He told me that our society views grief as something bad but really it’s just all the love we have to give without a place to put it. The grief bursts are considered normal and he said most people don’t feel any sense of “normal” for a minimum of 2-3 years.

I started seeing dad everywhere. In rainbows, in cardinals, in the sunset and sky. Every time I see something beautiful I think “that’s dad”. It’s brought a lot of comfort.

In July I got bangs for the first time. I told my friends I just wanted to have one singular change in my life that was in my control. It’s been a needed experience for me as this year as felt very out of control.

In August I went to my first festival with my youngest brother and felt for the first time in many many months true happiness without the looming feeling of grief behind it.

I’ve started doing things I love more. I see my niblings as much as humanly possible, I spend time with my family and friends and I don’t fear my grief will ever be too much for them. I talk about my dad often. And I still have grief bursts but they are farther in between. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of him.

I was training for a marathon but unfortunately have an injury that prevents me from doing much of anything. It’s been hard. Ironically; this has made my grieving process a little harder as it’s my dad I want to fix me. I have gained weight since my dad died and that also bothers me but I know it’s a normal part of grief and this too shall pass.

I still experience grief brain and forgetfulness. I don’t feel like I’ve come out of the fog. I try and call him all the time and then remember, which seems to be the hardest. But this summer I passed my nursing classes and I’m back in more this semester to keep me busy. I start seeing my normal therapist next week which is very welcome.

Thank you all for sending your love to me through this. It’s not over, it’s always going to feel hard, but I do feel all your support. And I know my dad would love all of you. #griefdiary #griefjourney #griefsucks #mygriefjourney #grief #griefcommunity #griefprocess #embracevulnerability